It's been a while since I wrote for my blog. I'm so bad at keeping things consistent. I can't stick to any one thing or routine except my work and meds. I even was doing so well with my workout and that's not often that happens, it works so well with my schedule and my progress is going nicely but I often fall behind on doing it everyday. I can't stick to any goals or hobbies for long, even YouTube....since I'm doing a video everyday 1-3 weeks. I am doing a video this week and one next week. I feel excited by how productive I will be and how accomplished I will feel when I'm done. I wanted to take more time away from gaming but ohnoo studio messaged me to do another game-play video.
I'm thinking of writing fanfiction....I want to but just thinking about it makes me heart flutter haha, I don't know where I would post it to because I don't really want people to know it was done by me.
I do want to start writing again like I used to. I remember I wrote a little short story about a woman taking a train to nowhere and while shes reading a novel she looks up and exchanges eye contact with a man.....I think I want to try to re write it, it was so long ago it won't be the same but it would be a lovely idea. I can't write songs or poetry but I could write blog posts and stories...I think. I was never really all that creative and artistic, I just remember growing up that it was something I enjoyed doing.
How does one go on with so much hate for themselves? You've ruined so much and don't feel you deserve an ounce of good you get. Some people have no idea what guilt is, some people though live it and breathe it everyday. Do you know what it's like? To feel so much guilt you want to throw up? Feel so much guilt it slowly kills you? No of course not, you don't know guilt, you wouldn't know guilt if it wrapped around your throat and strangled you to death. For me though....I'm on my last breath.
He said....
Here is a pretty face but a fairly big nose. Here are gorgeous eyes but you will need glasses. Here is soft skin but you will burn easily. Here is your gender but you will forever be in pain. Here is a fast metabolism but you wont be able to gain weight. Here are nice boobs but they will be average size. Here is a thin body but you wont be curvy. Here is a nice ass but it will hurt to sit down. Here are cute toes but you will be almost flat footed. Here is a great personality but you will be to awkward to use it. Here are nice dreams but they will be too far fetched. Here is a brain but you wont be all that smart. Here is a sense of humor but you will cry really easily. Here is a big heart but it will always be broken.
I will never know why, I lose interest in almost everything I like or do. I can't ever have hobbies, I can't ever watch TV series. I can't get into much of anything even friendships. I want friends, I want hobbies but I can't seem to be arsed or have interest to stick with anything. I don't know why I've always been this way, I'm always quick to move from thing to thing or move on to nothing. I just wish I could feel passionate about stuff but I just can't seem to.
Back and forth with how I feel, it's driving me crazy. One minute I'm happy next minute I'm depressed. I hate how unsure I feel about the world, how unsure I feel about myself. I want to feel at ease and not stressed out for all the crazy reasons. I want to sit comfortably and not worry about a thing. I'm scared and I feel awfully alone inside. I just want to sleep now, not worry about it for a while. It feels like life is that movie groundhog day, same thing over and over and over. I can't find what makes me happy, or what I'm passionate about. I can't seem to find my dreams for the future, I can't seem to find myself.
Most people believe "you regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you did", for me though, it isn't the case. The things I did do often hit home harder than the things I didn't. It's easier to come to terms with something you missed out on doing, than coming to terms with something you had royally fucked up and will forever haunt you. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. If I had to though, I wouldn't do stuff I wanted to do, I'd fix the things I fucking ruined.
