A Health Reflection.

I recently had a health scare and it likely has been just anxiety, I opened up to my friends and the public about this health scare and people were asking me to reflect on my health and were wondering what's going on with me. I had a few people be surprised and say they had no idea I was suffering medically both physically and mentally. I wanted to open up with full transparency about SOME of the things I've been dealing with, especially lately. A lot of it has been weighing on my back these last few months or more but many of these things I've dealt with for almost my whole life, I did not go into everything just the things that have been most bothersome or heavy to me lately. So here I will be opening up about some of these things.

My neighbour's had fireworks poppin off over my house this weekend especially last night, so I had two panic attacks, almost threw up and almost peed myself, I'm like a dog, I hate fireworks.

I wanted some of the great affects of my new medication (I take for PMDD) would've stuck with me, like trances and not mourning 3 of my exs anymore, sadly that didn't last long only a few weeks.

I can't have a drink till July 17th, it's been a long almost 2 months and it's been so hard for me. I do have a bit of a drinking problem.

I'm in agony over my past, present and future. I have lost everything before and I'm always scared of losing everything again.

I'm struggling with my physical health and I keep losing weight due to illness, it breaks my heart. I look great but I still mourn what I have no control over.

I'm continually scared any of my exs will bother me, I've had a few try over decades. I just pray I don't hear from any of them again.

My new medication has me struggling with my usual interests, feelings and desires, I have to get used to the medication but I especially don't like my new issues with eating, I already have an eating disorder, though that has improved over the years.

I still feel uncomfortable in my new home, it's not my home just yet you know. I've only been here 7 months, I hope internally I can adjust but mentally it's been great and I'm happy here.

I have a difficult: internal, personal, family, financial, intimate and physical life, I am struggling. I need to see a new shrink but there are none currently for referral, someone that isn't my previous one, he was a bully.

I should return to counselling but my mild to moderate phobia of going out AND mental/physical lack of energy hinders me. I also need a break after the 5 or so years I was just in counselling about two years ago. I've been in therapy or counselling off and on since I was 16. I went to discuss mostly trauma last time but I think I need to unload other things. I find just talking about my problems isn't that helpful as I do it all the time to anybody I can or want to, even publicly I share. I'm limited on medication due to conflicting illnesses I have. I also find my various outlets are just that bit not enough, I want to turn to other outlets. I wish I could take out the sick parts of my brain. As I am often battling passive suicidal ideation AND a phobia of dying.

I struggle with relationships and I feel a degree of disconnect from every single person I know. Even myself. Though I love me, I love me more than anybody, I'm the one that's seen me most through everything and that I will most carry with me till the end.

I have an anger problem, I have for decades now but it was much more severe then than it has been in the last few years, in the last few months I continue to grow and improve but still I don't know how to let go of things or how to not let something ruin my day. Things have been so bad but much smoother than it would've been as old me. These things take work and take screwing up, until I'm not dealing with it anymore and I have improved, I'm looking forward to it.

I have 2 or 3 health related illnesses going on right now, it's been difficult for me and I hope to improve.

I'm mourning a death, it's been a lot for me mentally and extra heavy with the other issues going on at the same time. I've found being outside helps a lot, especially during the lovely summer nights.

Due to a change in medications a year ago, my hot flashes have returned but are so far more mild than the ones I had in my early 20s but they are currently more frequent, annoying and make me feel worse medically, as well as worsening headaches, which have been rough lately due to the summer heat; as it's hotter this year than any years prior.

I am now 32 and illnesses of any kind are starting to manifest differently. In the last month or two I have experienced chest and breast pain when in high emotional states, especially anxiety and it sucks.

I was worried for work but I have since not lost work hours and I am safe from losing my job, I am so very happy!

I'm currently recovering from a brain injury, it's been 6 days and it's mild thank God but it's still not great, on the brightside it forces me to make good lifestyle changes and I'm blessed it's not too bad.

A family member had surgery today, it went fairly well and now my anxiety is over. There's a journey ahead for recovery and I'll be there to help them.

I have been stressed about rent potentially going up, my family receives subsidy on our rent based on income and each year we must submit a review to continue receiving the subsidy. We have submitted our review for the year and they will let us know if we were approved or denied, if we are denied our rent will increase per month $241 dollars per person, It's much safer to receive the subsidy and better for us financially.

I have at least 11 illnesses and over 32 phobias, I somehow have the room to store them in my brain and live them, I feel like an overstuffed washing machine. I did in the last year though crush 2 of my phobias, so that's been great for me.

Recently I had issues with chest/breast pain and thought it could be anxiety but I had it again a few days ago and it was in time for my period to come, which arrived today, so it could be a symptom of my PMDD instead, I guess Ill have to try to follow it in the coming months, see if there's a pattern. I just don't remember if I was near my period the last time this happened. These symptoms can start 1-2 weeks before my period. I'm gunna keep notes and see. 

I'm going to be making changes to my diet. There will be no more potato chips), baked goods, sugary cereals, sugary juices and adding unnecessary sugar. I will also limit: sweets, fast food and breads (other than whole grains). I am a food reviewer and have years of backlog, so my reviews will not yet reflect my diet changes.

In light of my new health issue, I will be walking each day, it will be good alongside the new diet.

Instead of going to my doctor's appointment for my chest pain, I went to the hospital instead as the doctor said by my symptoms go to to the ER and get tests done that he cannot provide, so the appointment was cancelled. 

I was at the hospital for 7 hours and they said my chest pain with shortness of breath is not serious but it is typically, they don't know what's wrong but mentioned my blood pressure and heart rate are high. I was told to monitor my symptoms and later on go to my doctor and get other tests done. I will continue my diet and exercise to help lessen my problems. I also have to cut back on stress.....great haha. 

It's been over a week since I started my diet and exercise, it's helped me medically and mentally, I'm glad I started this. 

I lost another friend, so I mourn that today. 

Due to work changes, I lose the bonus I had been receiving each month so money is a bit tighter. 

I've made diet and exercise part of my day to day after being at the hospital and it's been 3 weeks, it's going quite well, I feel an improvement in many aspects of my life: mental, physical, menstrual and hormonal. It's not always up but it's greater compared to me just weeks ago.

My diet has greatly improved an eating disorder I have, over the last few years I've improved slowly but a lot more progress has been made with this new lifestyle, so I'm happy. 

I over react most of the time with anxiety and strong emotions but things often end up working out and I feel fucking awful about it during and afterwards. I'm tired of torturing myself when I don't have to, I will make it my mission to unlearn this.

I've looked at this last issue with a different mindset, I did it through my religious outlet and it's helped a lot but still I worry about how things will go or fall out if they are meant to fall out. I have learned I'm someone who wants everything to work out and I simply can't control stuff and I'm learning to be okay with that. I have pretty 

I have pretty bad paranoia and two mind altering things have happened in the last not even 2 days and it's made it worse for me. I am internally exhausted.  

The other day I took a break from social media and socializing for a day and it was joyous, I absolutely need more breaks.

I have been struggling for a while to relax physically and mentally outside of my break the other day, I feel a sickening sad unease in my chest and stomach that's off and on, I am restless inside and sleep is simply not enough.

For the last few days I have been relaxing barely/not having emotions and it's so wonderful. I have forced myself to take it easy, even when working, I'm chillin and it's be so great, I've needed this.