If You Could Go Back In Time, Would You?

"If you could go back in time where would you go and why?"

Normally I would say: "I wouldn't." I honestly wouldn't want to go back cause any alteration of any kind could fuck up everything. Though, if I could go back not being able to change anything just to relive stuff......

I'd go back to being 10 years old. The greatest time in the world. I had so much fun and hardly a care in the world. I didn't worry about boys, they had cooties. I didn't worry about school, it wasn't all that hard. I didn't worry about rent and bills and work. I didn't worry about heartbreak and I didn't worry about snake friends. I didn't worry about growing up or what was to come. 

I didn't worry about much at all.

My best friend lived right across from me. We went to school together. She was my whole world...she still is. Her and I have so many crazy stories to tell and things to reminiscence on. She's like my sister.

Being 10 years old, it was the last time I felt really happy. It was the last time I felt good about life and I didn't stress too much about stuff that wasn't an issue. It was so much easier back then, not just because I was 10 but because it was the early 2000s and that was the last time it wasn't completely fucked up to be a kid.

I struggled so hard from then on, I had to grow up really fast and I had so much on my plate, that I shouldn't have had at 12 years old. I wasn't a kid anymore and I just wanted to go back. I've wanted to go back for the last 11 years. 

Things just got worse and worse and worse from there. I no longer lived near my best friend. I had all the cares in the world and everything to worry about. I no longer could play tag or jump rope like a normal kid. I could no longer play marbles and pogs. School was no longer easy, it became one of the hardest things. 

Things took an even greater turn for the worst, in 2008. I lost my grandma and to me, she was like my mom. To this day I haven't had a god night sleep. I haven't been able to be comfortable at night. I'm not able to be comfortable in my own skin, I'm not able to channel my pain or handle my stress.

It was one of those times, where you think it couldn't get any worse but it does.

They always said high school and those years of your life, are the best....not for me cause they were the worst.

Things did in fact get a lot worse from there, I was down in the deepest depths of the darkness. I was so alone. Things got so bad and I hardly had people to turn to, even my family wasn't there for me.....

Except my best friend.

I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without her. I owe her my life.

I just haven't been at ease, at peace and feel alright. I have a hard time enjoying stuff, even stuff I once loved. I have a hard time being compassionate about stuff, about anything. I have a hard time feeling good sober.

Things have gotten better but I still can't sleep at night and frankly being an adult is a fucking trap. 

I always get asked "why haven't you gone to college?" I don't know what I want to do. "Will you be going to college?" No I doubt it. "What are you passionate about?" Nothing. "What are your hobbies?" I don't have any. "How do you handle stress?" I don't.