He Is.

He’s my Sunday morning newspaper and my Friday nights when I’m alone. He’s always there for me to make me feel at home. He’s my everyday good-morning and my every-evening goodnight. He’s the one I turn to when I want to feel alright. He’s my favourite hello and he’d be my hardest goodbye. He gives me hope, he gives me strength, he is my will to live. If they asked what I’d give to see him, I’d tell them….anything.

Jeanann Verlee -Polyamory With Knives

Just because you fell in love with the river
doesn’t mean you must feed it your bones.

You can take new lovers. Wine, for instance.
And bread. Difficult shoes. Little blue pills.

The first boy’s knife. The bowie, the buck,
the chef’s. Switch, pocket, butcher, butter.

You can submerge in a hotel bath, drainage
ditch, Newton Creek, East River. The sea.

Eat the whole pan of lasagna. The entire box
of Thin Mints. You can go down in mimosas.

You can lose yourself in Clifton, or Sexton,
Walker, Hooks, Rich, Atwood. Or Hughes.

Even the boxer whose poems sewed you shut.
Whose hands pulled you from the red red tub.

The boy who became boxer who became
man who became poet who became husband.

Yes, you can love the river. The knife. The pills.
The wine. You can love a thousand lonelinesses.

You can love the man and each of his hands.
Love the brine and the meat and all the tiny ruins.

— jeanann verlee

Today (2010)

I watch him from the corner of my eye, As I try so hard not to.

I don’t want to see him,

I don’t want to know he is there.

 

It hurts too much, And I have to admit, That I just caught his eye.

It makes me want to cry for he sits there reminding me who I fell in love with 3 years ago.

 

I now realize that this is the worst feeling I could ever feel.

To sit beside the one that means the world to me, knowing I mean nothing to him…

 

I just wish he knew, I just wish he’d understand. But he will never see me the way that I see him.

 

I still wish to confess to him, how I really feel, But will I ever have the courage to?

 

since I have seen him many times before…

2010. Just Believe

In the wind i stand,feeling your warm touch on my shoulder.

When i'm with you i know everything will be okay.

If life gets hard i know we'll make it through.

 

Let's just believe.

 

Feeling your heart beat in me,

makes everything seem better.

Having you feel my heart beat in you,

makes everything seem alright.

So no matter what we go through.

 

Let's just believe.

 

I Love you with all my heart and soul,

so i give myself to you.

Hang on tight with all you've got and never let go.

I hang in there and i hang on tight knowing i've got you.

You Will Never Know. (2010)

A thousand seconds of pain,a thousand seconds of silence..Every swallow,every breath,its just another stab to my chest.You'll never know how much i hurt,you'll never understand,i just love u more then anyone could ever know.I wish you knew how much it hurt,i wish i could share my pain.I don't like suffering on my own but then again i will have to cause u will never know.

Why I Love You More. (2010)

i love u more because
im still here to love u when u give up on life when u give up on urself im still here to love u when u think ur alone im still here to love u when u say things tht make u afraid ill leave u im still here
thats why i love u more

i love u so much more cause ive never given up on you
even if ive given up on myself
i love u so much more
cause u havent given up on me
and i love u so much more
cause i kno i never will

2010. To Look Into The Eyes Of The Boy I Fell In love With.

It hurts everyday to watch it all change,to watch it slowly disappear,and not be sure when and if you'll ever see it again.

When him and I reach a certain age,what we have will disappear,cause we are young,we are children and after a certain age,we will not feel its grown up to live and to have what we have.

I want this feeling with him,till I'm at least 19,till he goes on and lives his life,to go on and build his future how he wants it.
I wanna live this; what we have now,till we can't anymore.
Once we hit at least 19 then it's not the same,cause we won't see each other how we did as children.

I wish i grew up with him,it would have built a stronger bridge,it would have given us more time to have what we have,that I've had for 4 years,i want it for at least a little longer,before it's gone,before we go our own way,before we do what we gotta do to live the rest of our lives how we want it.

Your only a child once,you only get to have that relationship once.
Why end it sooner then you have to?When you know you don't have to just yet.

You wonder what I'll do after....after?
After what?
After I'm 19?
After I look at him and no longer see the boy i feel everything for?

I'll move on,I'll continue life and be happy.

But for now I'll cherish it, because just cause you don't see what I see when I look at him and that doesn't mean it's not amazing...
because i can tell you one thing...

It is amazing to look into the eyes of the boy I feel inlove with.

By Temmpy Bones

I feel a void of emptiness running through my heart:i feel that crying would be a good place to start.
Looking at my heartbreaking past i need something that lasts.
No ray of hope,no one to care,and still i know no one is there.
I need to cry but i don't know how...tears,pain and sorrow,will all be here tomorrow.
My heart wants to forgive,but my mind wants to regret.
I need to love but i cannot,i want to smile but all i can do is cry...
I am trying to forget, but it hurts to try...

Silence,a seldom cry and yet i feel like i want to die...
A dance made me see you can't feel for me,a look up and i can see there is no reason for me to be...
So i gave a frown and cried,i have tried,but i guess my best will never be good enough.
My heart, my mind, my soul all can see you may be a world away from me,But my friends,could see that you aren't who i thought you were to be.
I tried, i cried,i lied and in the end i see, tht even though i am a person of high intellect...you will always reject me...

2010 Hospital Waiting Room.

life is a big hosp. waiting room
and ive been here for years waiting for life to get better
and im already chewing on things
ripping my hair out

thts why i cry everyday
feels like im in a waiting room

maybe i should play scrabble
to pass the time
or eat turkey sandwhichs from the vending machine that i like


lets play scrabble then
sit on the floor in a corner
and play
till i get tired and frusterated
and cry myself to sleep

so i can wake up and do it all again....

It's Funny -2010

It`s funny how hello always ends with a goodbye,
it`s funny how good memories can start to make you cry.
It`s funny how forever never really seems to last,
it`s funny how much you`d lose if you forgot about your past.
It`s funny how friends can just leave you when you`re down,
it`s funny how when you need someone they`re never around.
It`s funny how people change and think they`re so much better,
it`s funny how many lies can be packed in one "love letter".
It`s funny how people forgive even though they can't forget,
it`s funny how one night can contain so much regret.
It`s funny how ironic life turns out to be
but the funniest part of all, none of that`s funny to me.

2010- Can This All Just Be A Dream? Please.

ive played it out in my mind how things would go if i woke up and this was just a dream:

"id wake up in the afternoon like normal and i get out of bed like normal take a nice hot shower like normal then the phone would ring and it would be him and he would ask to hang out and id go and see him happy as hell thinking its just an average day like normal then id see him and he would kiss me and he would hold my hand first and he will tell me he loves me and that hes happy to have me as
his gf and then ill say "ur girlfriend?" and he would laugh and say yes and think there was something bothering me and id laugh it off and say "oh i had a bad dream last night and it was the worst thing ever it felt so real,u stopped loving me,everyone did and i was so alone and it was horrible"and he would be there to comfort me he would laugh and say "well tht sounds horrible im glad thts not how it is i wouldnt want to see me without u"

But i know for a fact

i wont wake up in the afternoon ill wake up in the morning and the water will be cold not hot and he wont call me to hang out and he wont kiss me he wont hold my hand he wont tell me he loves me he wont be happy to be mine i wont laugh it off and think i had a really bad dream....

cause its not a dream....its wat im stuck with...my life

and i hate it

Loved You Once, Love You Still, Always Have, Always Will. -2010

Every time i take a breath,i seem to think of you,i will never forget the way things used to be.
I could never say i hate you,i could never say i dont love you anymore.
Even if we are no longer one,you'll always be a part of me,and i still love u more and more.
A major tug on the heart strings,put me in a painful state but never will i forget you.
I just feel so warm inside when i think of you,i have all these years and i will all the years to come.
You're my lover and my friend,you're just so amazing,my other half.
Even if we both move on,parts of us will always remain,and i know one thing for sure...
i will always love you.

2010- I Love You

Little by little
im taking in all the bullshit i can
to be where i really wanna be
because people say if there is something u are dying for in life
u do everything u can
to get there
doing things u love
doing things u hate
doing things tht rip u apart
just to realize tht once u get to where u wanna be
tht u will be fixed
again.

But no worries man
ill be iight
weather i show up on ur doorstep half dead
ill be there
with the biggest smile u have ever seen
with the most invigorating look in my eyes
like i have known where i belong
this whole time.

I can guarantee that i will be with u and i will not let no one take my life from me until i do so
and that my friend isnt jsut a promise
its a vow
so you never need to worry
about never seeing me
cause u will
i vow
that to u
weather that means leaving everyone else behind.

2010- Have You Ever?

Have you ever wondered which hurts more: saying something and wishing you hadn't or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest to say. Don't be afraid tho tell someone you love them. If you do they might break your heart... but if you don't,you might break yours.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that person was to afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are to afraid to care too much... for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid...afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But everytime we tell a lie... the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one waits forever...
What would you do...
'What would you do if everytime you wanted someone they would never be there?
'What would you do if you best friend died tomorrow and you never got the chance to tell them how you felt?
'What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
'What would you do if everytime you fell in love you had to say good-bye?

When you love someone say it. Say it loud. Say it right away, or the moment just passes you by and you may never get the chance again.

People live, but people die.

2010 -Alone

Feeling so sick and so goddamn alone,never will i have a break,never will i go home,im gunna be stuck in this place.
Home is where the heart is,but my heart isnt even whole,the home is broken anyway,all depressed and cold.
Without you by my side is another painful thing,out of all the many painful things that ive been in.
If i was asked where id want to live,where id want to stay,id tell them that id want to live in the coffin where you lay.
So i stand alone in the rain,and noone can stop me as i cry,cause no one can be in my shoes enough to even give it a try.
Im just so down and just so hurt that you wont be coming back,but i learned one thing along the way,something thats a truthful fact…

You cant trust the living,but you can trust dead,cause the dead cant betray you.

I Wrote This In 2010

Since i wrote this so long ago idk what its about tbh haha.

These gummy bears seemed firmer then usual,making them harder to eat.For some odd reason there was hope that these little bears would help change everything.Never sure how they could do such a thing,but there were so much thought on it,but being unsure made them almost worthless,so life just goes on.Even the sudden moment that the mind was occupied with thought,it never excused the fact that life was based on a secret.If life could be paused with a few gummy bears for a single moment,would a few more pause for a little longer?One would think so,though there aren't any left.It leaves the mind so open and as overwhelmed as before.Couldn't hide from the secret that has become more then something small,for its now as large as life itself.Has taken over one's mind and made everything else evolve around it.This makes the world much more difficult,harder to bare.Even if one secret could feel so good,it could also feel so wrong.Though doesn't discourage the mind to thrive off it,doesn't discourage the mind to wish there was nothing standing in the way of making it okay.Everyone knows that you can't have everything you want,though most know you can't have something if its too big to hold in your mind without going utterly insane.It kills inside to hide it from the world,it kills inside to wonder when you can start to breathe easy.Playing out the scenario in your mind,eases the heart and makes everything feel so much better.If you close your eyes,and are afraid to open them,just pray for more gummy bears when you awake.

PLEASE

If You Could Go Back In Time, Would You?

"If you could go back in time where would you go and why?"

Normally I would say: "I wouldn't." I honestly wouldn't want to go back cause any alteration of any kind could fuck up everything. Though, if I could go back not being able to change anything just to relive stuff......

I'd go back to being 10 years old. The greatest time in the world. I had so much fun and hardly a care in the world. I didn't worry about boys, they had cooties. I didn't worry about school, it wasn't all that hard. I didn't worry about rent and bills and work. I didn't worry about heartbreak and I didn't worry about snake friends. I didn't worry about growing up or what was to come. 

I didn't worry about much at all.

My best friend lived right across from me. We went to school together. She was my whole world...she still is. Her and I have so many crazy stories to tell and things to reminiscence on. She's like my sister.

Being 10 years old, it was the last time I felt really happy. It was the last time I felt good about life and I didn't stress too much about stuff that wasn't an issue. It was so much easier back then, not just because I was 10 but because it was the early 2000s and that was the last time it wasn't completely fucked up to be a kid.

I struggled so hard from then on, I had to grow up really fast and I had so much on my plate, that I shouldn't have had at 12 years old. I wasn't a kid anymore and I just wanted to go back. I've wanted to go back for the last 11 years. 

Things just got worse and worse and worse from there. I no longer lived near my best friend. I had all the cares in the world and everything to worry about. I no longer could play tag or jump rope like a normal kid. I could no longer play marbles and pogs. School was no longer easy, it became one of the hardest things. 

Things took an even greater turn for the worst, in 2008. I lost my grandma and to me, she was like my mom. To this day I haven't had a god night sleep. I haven't been able to be comfortable at night. I'm not able to be comfortable in my own skin, I'm not able to channel my pain or handle my stress.

It was one of those times, where you think it couldn't get any worse but it does.

They always said high school and those years of your life, are the best....not for me cause they were the worst.

Things did in fact get a lot worse from there, I was down in the deepest depths of the darkness. I was so alone. Things got so bad and I hardly had people to turn to, even my family wasn't there for me.....

Except my best friend.

I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without her. I owe her my life.

I just haven't been at ease, at peace and feel alright. I have a hard time enjoying stuff, even stuff I once loved. I have a hard time being compassionate about stuff, about anything. I have a hard time feeling good sober.

Things have gotten better but I still can't sleep at night and frankly being an adult is a fucking trap. 

I always get asked "why haven't you gone to college?" I don't know what I want to do. "Will you be going to college?" No I doubt it. "What are you passionate about?" Nothing. "What are your hobbies?" I don't have any. "How do you handle stress?" I don't.

The Incredible Book Eating Boy By Oliver Jeffers

Henry loved books but not like you and I love book, no. Not quite.....
Henry loved to EAT books.

It all began quite by accident one afternoon when he wasn't paying attention.
He wasn't sure at first and tried eating a single word just to test.
Next, he tried a whole sentence and then the whole page.
Yes, Henry definitely liked them.
By Wednesday, he had eaten a WHOLE book.
And by the end of the month he could eat a whole book in one go.

Henry loved eating all sorts of books: story books, dictionaries, atlases, joke books, books of facts, even maths books.
but red ones were his favourite.
and he was going through them at a fierce rate.

But here is the best bit: the more he ate, the smarter he got.
He ate a book about goldfish and then he knew what to feed ginger.
Before long he could do his fathers' crossword in the newspaper,
and he was even smarter than his teacher in school.

Henry loved being smart.
He though that if he kept going,
he might even become the SMARTEST person on Earth.

So he kept eating books and he kept getting smarter and smarter and smarter.
He went from eating books whole to eating them three or four at a time.
Book about anything and he wanted to know it all.

But then things started going not quite so well.
In fact, they started going very, very, wrong.
Henry was eating too many books and too quickly at that.
He was beginning to feel a little ill.

But here is the worst bit.
Everything he was learning was getting mixed up,
he didn't have....he didn't have time to digest it properly.
It became quite embarrassing for him to speak.
Suddenly Henry didn't feel very smart at all.

More than one person told him he should stop eating books.
So Henry gave up eating books and sat sadly for a long time.
What was he to do?

Then after a while and almost by accident Henry picked up a half-eaten book from the floor....
but instead of putting it in his mouth....
Henry opened it up..,,
and began to read and it was SO good.

Henry discovered that he loved to read and he thought that if he read enough he might still become the smartest person on Earth.
It would just take a bit longer.

Now Henry reads all the time,

Although every now and then....

How Does One Handle Stress?

People often handle stress in many different ways like: music, drawing, art, journal, counselling, friends and family time, alone time, binge eating, hobbies and interests, partying, alcohol, drugs, starving, self harm etc.

How do I handle stress?

I don't.

I'm Bad At Routine.

It's been a while since I wrote for my blog. I'm so bad at keeping things consistent. I can't stick to any one thing or routine except my work and meds. I even was doing so well with my workout and that's not often that happens, it works so well with my schedule and my progress is going nicely but I often fall behind on doing it everyday. I can't stick to any goals or hobbies for long, even YouTube....since I'm doing a video everyday 1-3 weeks. I am doing a video this week and one next week. I feel excited by how productive I will be and how accomplished I will feel when I'm done. I wanted to take more time away from gaming but ohnoo studio messaged me to do another game-play video.

Thinking Of Writing Again...

I'm thinking of writing fanfiction....I want to but just thinking about it makes me heart flutter haha, I don't know where I would post it to because I don't really want people to know it was done by me.

I do want to start writing again like I used to. I remember I wrote a little short story about a woman taking a train to nowhere and while shes reading a novel she looks up and exchanges eye contact with a man.....I think I want to try to re write it, it was so long ago it won't be the same but it would be a lovely idea. I can't write songs or poetry but I could write blog posts and stories...I think. I was never really all that creative and artistic, I just remember growing up that it was something I enjoyed doing.

Guilt

How does one go on with so much hate for themselves? You've ruined so much and don't feel you deserve an ounce of good you get. Some people have no idea what guilt is, some people though live it and breathe it everyday. Do you know what it's like? To feel so much guilt you want to throw up? Feel so much guilt it slowly kills you? No of course not, you don't know guilt, you wouldn't know guilt if it wrapped around your throat and strangled you to death. For me though....I'm on my last breath.

He Said...

He said....
Here is a pretty face but a fairly big nose. Here are gorgeous eyes but you will need glasses. Here is soft skin but you will burn easily. Here is your gender but you will forever be in pain. Here is a fast metabolism but you wont be able to gain weight. Here are nice boobs but they will be average size. Here is a thin body but you wont be curvy. Here is a nice ass but it will hurt to sit down. Here are cute toes but you will be almost flat footed. Here is a great personality but you will be to awkward to use it. Here are nice dreams but they will be too far fetched. Here is a brain but you wont be all that smart. Here is a sense of humor but you will cry really easily. Here is a big heart but it will always be broken.

30 Things Only Canadians Will Understand

1. People asking you to say ‘aboot ‘ for them.

2. Having roads in our potholes.

3. Accidentally setting your keyboard to French and not realizing for the longest time.

4. When I Travel Abroad, Locals Think I’m American.

5. When I Type '?,' It Comes Out As 'É'

6. Constantly getting duds when it’s roll up the rim season.

7. Uses Canadian Spelling... Gets Corrected By U.S. Spell-Checker.

8. Asks For A Double-Double... U.S. Cashier Doesn't Understand.

9. Paid $1.98 Charge With A Toonie... Got No Change.

10. Shipping with the US: free. Shipping internationally: 3 BILLION DOLLARS.

11. Panicking at the scent of burnt toast.

12. Just Got Netflix... U.S. Selection Is WAY Better.

13. If you pronounce the second 't' in Toronto, you obviously don't live in Toronto.

14. Tim Horton's withdrawel while abroad.

15. Wearing heavy-duty winter boots to school and looking like a hoser all day.

16. 3 second milk ads that leave you wondering what just happened.

17. Being asked if you ski to work.

18. Your international friends and family visit the other side of Canada but still expect to see you.

19. Wildly overestimating the price with tax, just to be safe.

20. Travelling to England means that half of your luggage is filled with plug adapters.

21. Ooh, 15 cents. That's really helpful Canadian Tire.

22. "I have a friend named ______ in Vancouver, do you know them?"

23. Salt stains on everything in the winter.

24. Fahrenheit is a confusing and impenetrable mystery.

25. Need to fake an American zip code because there isn’t a postal code box.

26. "And remember class, it must be by a Canadian."

27. The air hurts my face. Why am I living where the air hurts my face.

28. Having to take your mitts off in the winter to text someone back.

29. "What's your background?" I'm Canadian. "no, before that."

30. The calories in poutine. Seriously, the stuff tastes like heaven. 

Semicolon

The semicolon is an important piece of punctuation and is a perfect symbol for those who are struggling. As Amy says, “A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.

Interest Lost

I will never know why, I lose interest in almost everything I like or do. I can't ever have hobbies, I can't ever watch TV series. I can't get into much of anything even friendships. I want friends, I want hobbies but I can't seem to be arsed or have interest to stick with anything. I don't know why I've always been this way, I'm always quick to move from thing to thing or move on to nothing. I just wish I could feel passionate about stuff but I just can't seem to.

Roller Coaster Emotions

Back and forth with how I feel, it's driving me crazy. One minute I'm happy next minute I'm depressed. I hate how unsure I feel about the world, how unsure I feel about myself. I want to feel at ease and not stressed out for all the crazy reasons. I want to sit comfortably and not worry about a thing. I'm scared and I feel awfully alone inside. I just want to sleep now, not worry about it for a while. It feels like life is that movie groundhog day, same thing over and over and over. I can't find what makes me happy, or what I'm passionate about. I can't seem to find my dreams for the future, I can't seem to find myself.

Regrets

Most people believe "you regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you did", for me though, it isn't the case. The things I did do often hit home harder than the things I didn't. It's easier to come to terms with something you missed out on doing, than coming to terms with something you had royally fucked up and will forever haunt you. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. If I had to though, I wouldn't do stuff I wanted to do, I'd fix the things I fucking ruined.

Addiction

It's my guilty pleasure. I hide it from my loved ones, hide it from my friends. I make excuses and stretch the truth to hide my addiction. I often waste money I don't have. I often have to suffer for it but it's always worth it. Unlike most people though, I admit I have a problem. I don't want to fix it though, just always acknowledge it's there. It's not like it will kill me and it could always be worse. I could be addicted to drugs, alcohol or shoplifting. I'm better off than most so I'm quite alright with myself.

Wishing For Art

I had always wished I was artistic. I had always wished I was good at art. I was told in school that as long as I tried hard in art class, I would get a good mark. I tried so hard to be as good as everyone else but I almost didn't even pass. I just wanted to be able to draw and paint like everyone else. I wanted to put something together that didn't look like a child did it with their fingers. I just wanted to be able to draw tattoos and portraits and draw manga. I was always told practice practice practice but I was practicing for a long time....I still try and it just seems like this just isn't for me.

Do You Ever?

Do you ever get so mad, you start laughing? Laughing so hard then you start crying? Do you ever get so mad, you think about doing crazy things? Do you ever get so mad, it's the maddest you have ever been? You are so red in the face and can't even calm down. Your head is about to explode. Do you Ever, just wish you could do something insane and not ever look back?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I feel people annoy the living shit out of me. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is stupid. I can't seem to find people who aren't morons. I have a few close friends that have a head on their shoulders. Now a days though, it seems the world is all about sex and fame and stupid garbage like that. I want someone to be friends with me that can hold a conversation and not see me as a welcome mat or something to be used. I can cover up my body and speak with smarts but it's not enough, it still attracts morons. I don't appreciate any of them, not one single one. I also don't appreciate people who disrespect me. Can't you just take your tiny brains and fuck off somewhere else?

What's On Your Mind?

What's on your mind? Nothing my mind is a wasteland.
By wasteland, I mean it's actually a land of waste. It's like a junk yard, piles and piles of crap that I can't seem to get rid of.
What's on your mind? Everything....all the time.