A Health Reflection.

I recently had a health scare and it likely has been just anxiety, I opened up to my friends and the public about this health scare and people were asking me to reflect on my health and were wondering what's going on with me. I had a few people be surprised and say they had no idea I was suffering medically both physically and mentally. I wanted to open up with full transparency about SOME of the things I've been dealing with, especially lately. A lot of it has been weighing on my back these last few months or more but many of these things I've dealt with for almost my whole life, I did not go into everything just the things that have been most bothersome or heavy to me lately. So here I will be opening up about some of these things.

My neighbour's had fireworks poppin off over my house this weekend especially last night, so I had two panic attacks, almost threw up and almost peed myself, I'm like a dog, I hate fireworks.

I wanted some of the great affects of my new medication (I take for PMDD) would've stuck with me, like trances and not mourning 3 of my exs anymore, sadly that didn't last long only a few weeks.

I can't have a drink till July 17th, it's been a long almost 2 months and it's been so hard for me. I do have a bit of a drinking problem.

I'm in agony over my past, present and future. I have lost everything before and I'm always scared of losing everything again.

I'm struggling with my physical health and I keep losing weight due to illness, it breaks my heart. I look great but I still mourn what I have no control over.

I'm continually scared any of my exs will bother me, I've had a few try over decades. I just pray I don't hear from any of them again.

My new medication has me struggling with my usual interests, feelings and desires, I have to get used to the medication but I especially don't like my new issues with eating, I already have an eating disorder, though that has improved over the years.

I still feel uncomfortable in my new home, it's not my home just yet you know. I've only been here 7 months, I hope internally I can adjust but mentally it's been great and I'm happy here.

I have a difficult: internal, personal, family, financial, intimate and physical life, I am struggling. I need to see a new shrink but there are none currently for referral, someone that isn't my previous one, he was a bully.

I should return to counselling but my mild to moderate phobia of going out AND mental/physical lack of energy hinders me. I also need a break after the 5 or so years I was just in counselling about two years ago. I've been in therapy or counselling off and on since I was 16. I went to discuss mostly trauma last time but I think I need to unload other things. I find just talking about my problems isn't that helpful as I do it all the time to anybody I can or want to, even publicly I share. I'm limited on medication due to conflicting illnesses I have. I also find my various outlets are just that bit not enough, I want to turn to other outlets. I wish I could take out the sick parts of my brain. As I am often battling passive suicidal ideation AND a phobia of dying.

I struggle with relationships and I feel a degree of disconnect from every single person I know. Even myself. Though I love me, I love me more than anybody, I'm the one that's seen me most through everything and that I will most carry with me till the end.

I have an anger problem, I have for decades now but it was much more severe then than it has been in the last few years, in the last few months I continue to grow and improve but still I don't know how to let go of things or how to not let something ruin my day. Things have been so bad but much smoother than it would've been as old me. These things take work and take screwing up, until I'm not dealing with it anymore and I have improved, I'm looking forward to it.

I have 2 or 3 health related illnesses going on right now, it's been difficult for me and I hope to improve.

I'm mourning a death, it's been a lot for me mentally and extra heavy with the other issues going on at the same time. I've found being outside helps a lot, especially during the lovely summer nights.

Due to a change in medications a year ago, my hot flashes have returned but are so far more mild than the ones I had in my early 20s but they are currently more frequent, annoying and make me feel worse medically, as well as worsening headaches, which have been rough lately due to the summer heat; as it's hotter this year than any years prior.

I am now 32 and illnesses of any kind are starting to manifest differently. In the last month or two I have experienced chest and breast pain when in high emotional states, especially anxiety and it sucks.

I was worried for work but I have since not lost work hours and I am safe from losing my job, I am so very happy!

I'm currently recovering from a brain injury, it's been 6 days and it's mild thank God but it's still not great, on the brightside it forces me to make good lifestyle changes and I'm blessed it's not too bad.

A family member had surgery today, it went fairly well and now my anxiety is over. There's a journey ahead for recovery and I'll be there to help them.

I have been stressed about rent potentially going up, my family receives subsidy on our rent based on income and each year we must submit a review to continue receiving the subsidy. We have submitted our review for the year and they will let us know if we were approved or denied, if we are denied our rent will increase per month $241 dollars per person, It's much safer to receive the subsidy and better for us financially.

I have at least 11 illnesses and over 32 phobias, I somehow have the room to store them in my brain and live them, I feel like an overstuffed washing machine. I did in the last year though crush 2 of my phobias, so that's been great for me.

Recently I had issues with chest/breast pain and thought it could be anxiety but I had it again a few days ago and it was in time for my period to come, which arrived today, so it could be a symptom of my PMDD instead, I guess Ill have to try to follow it in the coming months, see if there's a pattern. I just don't remember if I was near my period the last time this happened. These symptoms can start 1-2 weeks before my period. I'm gunna keep notes and see. 

I'm going to be making changes to my diet. There will be no more potato chips), baked goods, sugary cereals, sugary juices and adding unnecessary sugar. I will also limit: sweets, fast food and breads (other than whole grains). I am a food reviewer and have years of backlog, so my reviews will not yet reflect my diet changes.

In light of my new health issue, I will be walking each day, it will be good alongside the new diet.

Instead of going to my doctor's appointment for my chest pain, I went to the hospital instead as the doctor said by my symptoms go to to the ER and get tests done that he cannot provide, so the appointment was cancelled. 

I was at the hospital for 7 hours and they said my chest pain with shortness of breath is not serious but it is typically, they don't know what's wrong but mentioned my blood pressure and heart rate are high. I was told to monitor my symptoms and later on go to my doctor and get other tests done. I will continue my diet and exercise to help lessen my problems. I also have to cut back on stress.....great haha. 

It's been over a week since I started my diet and exercise, it's helped me medically and mentally, I'm glad I started this. 

I lost another friend, so I mourn that today. 

Due to work changes, I lose the bonus I had been receiving each month so money is a bit tighter. 

I've made diet and exercise part of my day to day after being at the hospital and it's been 3 weeks, it's going quite well, I feel an improvement in many aspects of my life: mental, physical, menstrual and hormonal. It's not always up but it's greater compared to me just weeks ago.

My diet has greatly improved an eating disorder I have, over the last few years I've improved slowly but a lot more progress has been made with this new lifestyle, so I'm happy. 

I over react most of the time with anxiety and strong emotions but things often end up working out and I feel fucking awful about it during and afterwards. I'm tired of torturing myself when I don't have to, I will make it my mission to unlearn this.

I've looked at this last issue with a different mindset, I did it through my religious outlet and it's helped a lot but still I worry about how things will go or fall out if they are meant to fall out. I have learned I'm someone who wants everything to work out and I simply can't control stuff and I'm learning to be okay with that. I have pretty 

I have pretty bad paranoia and two mind altering things have happened in the last not even 2 days and it's made it worse for me. I am internally exhausted.  

The other day I took a break from social media and socializing for a day and it was joyous, I absolutely need more breaks.

I have been struggling for a while to relax physically and mentally outside of my break the other day, I feel a sickening sad unease in my chest and stomach that's off and on, I am restless inside and sleep is simply not enough.

For the last few days I have been relaxing barely/not having emotions and it's so wonderful. I have forced myself to take it easy, even when working, I'm chillin and it's be so great, I've needed this.

The rest lasted 3 days and I enjoyed it while I had it, I'm back to my usual self which kinda sucks but I hope I can relax again soon, I really would like this to be a common occurrence.

I have discovered the trick to pulling myself out of a bad mental state, is to play a game that challenges my mind and tires me out. When I'm done the game for the day, I am too tired mentally to be in a bad way, I'm also physically tired so I can really relax, it's great.

Yesterday was a very rough day, just so much going wrong and bad happening but today I'm doing much better because I finally have an update on the rent review, we have been approved and I can finally breathe. I now don't have anything big stressing me out, I've been waiting for this moment for a while now, I am blessed. Thanks to everyone who put up with me during that rough time (actually my whole life to be honest haha), I was overstressed and in turn stressed out everyone else. I will say though over the last week or so, I had been a lot less worried as I turned to my religious outlet and allowed myself more to let the chips fall, to have faith that things will work out as they should, regardless of whatever happens, as I have overcome everything so far and I will continue to. I hope to get a break before something else rough comes up, life is so full on.

You know something I'm really happy not to have anything heavy on my back right now but I find it hard to celebrate both externally and internally, especially internally. I'm so used to crawling my way through life and for the first time in 24 years I can just breathe, I don't really know how to do that. I also have this fear that things will fall apart if I'm too happy about stuff.  It helps though to always pray, be grateful and count my blessings, I'm just a believer of jinxing things and it sucks. It though boils down to the fact this feeling and state I'm in is very new to me, so very new, the last time I experienced something like this, I was too young to remember how it felt.

I think this period of peace is worth celebrating, it's okay to enjoy it without worry or shame, It's getting easier as I go and I know I'm worth good things happening to, which I admit I've really struggled with but to finally be kneeling after a life of crawling is amazing and I am cherishing it.

I will say I am still sick, still disabled and still going through things but these things I've experienced all my life, this period of my life though feels different, that the other things that were crushing me, I am now free from. I'm so proud of me.

I was asked recently how my heart is doing since I went to the hospital, well it's greatly improved but I have since a few times had my heart do funky stuff, hiccups if you will but otherwise it's better.

I was doing mentally well for a few days but for the last few days I have not. I have been battling my mind and an identity crisis of sorts, alongside my BDD. I've also over-worked myself lately, I am exhausted inside and out but still I am alright compared to previously. I will admit today I had a mental breakdown and I cried in agony for the first time in a while, healing is so messy. 

I've been trying to relax and today I am, after work I have been relaxing and with a delicious meal and the sun shining I'm doing better, so far. I've come to terms with things, accepting things and working through things today. I went into detail on my Bupropion blog post, about what I've been experiencing and again, healing is messy but I learned you cannot heal if you deny stuff. I did also made a post about someone in particular from my past that I have really struggled with over the years, it was a very raw post for me to make and I love I can really express myself, not only to others but personally.

I've had a bad microbiome for decades, it was like a burnt down Chuck E Cheese. I have been working on my microbiome for 2 months now, I know this will take time and not feel great but I'm happy to finally be doing it.

The last 9 days I had a crush on a guy, my first crush in months and I went through a storm of emotions and now I am exhausted internally. I am now over my crush, these never last long with me but I am tired now.

Lately I've been physically exhausted, it may be due to the season changing.

I feel homesick for a place and/or person that does not/has not currently existed, I feel I'm missing something but I cannot tell you what it is or where to even find it.

I have returned to taking iron, I would get sick from it in my youth, so I hadn't touched it in many years, despite having off and on anemia and needing the iron. 16 years later (from the last time I took iron), I am still off and on anemic and still need the iron. I now take it Monday Wednesday and Friday, as taking it every single day made me sick. I've done 4 doses so far and it has already improved my exhaustion that I mentioned recently experiencing.

It's now October 24th 2025 and I have taken the iron for two weeks now, I find the 3 times a week is most healthy for me and my body, compared to every day that I was doing as a child. I discovered how many mg an adult should have a day, vs how many a child should have a day and in my youth I was getting sick as it was too high a dose and not meant for children. I also didn't take them with food as a child and as an adult I learned this is important, I am happy to now be doing this properly. I do not have any symptoms currently from the iron, which is great.

Lately things have been weird yet quiet and most times peaceful, I just feel quite isolated during this period of my healing journey and I am sometimes down about it but I often enjoy the break I'm having. 

I have sat with how I'm feeling and I am truly grateful to have this period of rest, relaxation and peace, I am blessed.

I've found I want to share less with others, I'm too tired and cannot be bothered much these days. I'm still transparent and share things going on but I have just less desire to talk about stuff, I find myself just shrugging stuff off and moving forward or just reaching out to one or two people, instead of just word vomiting across all my socials. I never thought I'd say this because I've always been one to never stop talking and sharing. I will still blog and open up to a degree and on the brightside this will benefit me going forward, being more private of a person.

I started taking Bupropion May 2025 for PMDD and I am proud to announce, I am now free of PMDD.

I may no longer have PMDD but I still experience PMS and such, its tiring haha but much better than the PMDD.

Due to various factors, I have had so far 17 crashouts, as they call it, in 4 days. Some of them are good but some of them are not.

I've come to realize, when I like a guy it's mostly a dopamine high, that's why these days I usually gravitate to men I don't know or men who don't know me, as well as it's safer for me to like them, over men I know and that know me. I will admit I no longer tell men when I like them, that's never went well for me haha. I don't know how I'm going to find love, if it's in my cards, as when I chase the dopamine high, I inevitably come crashing down and not on my own accord and this is why my crushes don't typically last long (among other reasons) and why I cannot tell the man I have a crush on him because maybe tomorrow I won't anymore. I also struggle with many other mental problems, revolving around my ability or inability to love and be loved.

I also know there's many reasons why I cannot do love right now, one of the biggest reasons being lack of energy, physical and mental energy. I'm also working on a project and don't have the spoons or time or capacity right now for such things. I also battle phobias and stuff, thanks to the hellish love life I've had AND I do have paranoia, which makes it all worse. I got a lot of baggage to unpack and work through, to improve myself as a person and as a partner.

I have this suspicion that I'm in the early stages of perimenopause but it's hard to say because all the symptoms are things I've had off and on almost all my fucking life hahahaha, so I guess we will see.

Recently I mentioned having a crush on a guy and it lasted 9 days, well as of yesterday October 30th 2025, it has returned with a vengeance haha, the dopamine he gives me courses through my veins, it makes me feel youthful but also off my rocker haha, it's usually fun though.

I think after that 5 days and 19 crashouts, I am done for this time being. My period is about over too, which is great and will help a lot. I'm not sure whatever the fuck that was haha, early perimenopause? A new mental illness? Haha who knows?

The time change is about to come, that could be part of my issue and the reason I've been struggling to fall asleep lately. I also know time changes make me physically sick, so I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, as I'm already not doing well, feeling a bit sick already, great.

I've spent my life lying to protect myself, my peace or get people off my case, I am now too tired to do that.

Honestly, there's certain things I do and one day I wake up and I'm over it, I don't wanna do it anymore. It's often a good thing, being so over things I'm doing or feeling, especially if shitty or unhealthy, I like I can do that.

It's now October 2nd 2025 and my period is over. I went through the emotional salad spinner. I could lie down for 100 weeks haha. I am unsure about the crashouts and if they are over but I hope I can have at least a day without one haha, who knows.

The clocks went back and I am sick from it but it did not alter my sleep schedule which is strange, as this usually doesn't happen but I'm happy to hear this. My cat also did not have an altered perception of his eating schedule, in previous years him and I would have a bit of a struggle, huh...

The time change has now affected me pretty badly, it messed up my sleep and I'm feeling more sick than prior.

Loopypalooza is over, I did not crashout a single time yesterday. This was in fact period related and I am still lead to believe it's early perimenopause, or PMS or a new mental illness or ??? haha. We will see what happens at my next period, praying this never happens again, as it was very uncomfortable and so very draining.

I'll be honest, I'm doing poorly, mentally and physically. I've been upset about my life and it's caused my heart to be sick and make me feel sick and so sad, I was going to treat myself to something nice but I'm not well enough to go. I need to relax but lately I just don't have the time, I've been so busy lately, which makes it worse. I hate I'm only 32 and my heart gets sick.

I believe my Bupropion has been giving me a high heart rate and blood pressure, I though have been lessening it with diet, exercise and limiting stress; I have started monitoring my heart rate. I do not want to stop the medication unless I must, this medication has changed my life.        

I ran for the first time in a while, I did not feel as bad after the run as I did prior, for years I really struggled to run but today I did well, despite having a bit of heart problems in the last 3 months. Improving my health with diet and exercising allowed me to do this today. I'm proud of me.   

Today is November 12th 2025 and it's been one year since I moved. I feel weird about looking back but also living in the present. I no longer miss where I lived and I love where I am now but I can say I'm not yet settled in, it may take years but I am still really happy here.

I'll be honest, I don't think I like looking back at my past anymore, it's so spooky and weird, makes my tummy unhappy and that's okay, the desire to go back has left me earlier this year and it's been great. Now when I think back on the past I get a bit scared or panicked, it's strange but so real.

I'm really living in the now, for the most part and I can't bring myself to sit and stew in the past or worry too much about my future. I have wishes for my future but no real plans, though I am on a housing waitlist for another city nearby but we will see later on what happens there. I am resting here in this home, in this period of time. Anything can happen and I'm excited yet nervous of course.    

For the last few days my heart has been a bit better and I'm happy about that.

Due to dental trauma, grinding and clenching, a few of my teeth are bruised, yikes. 

I've learned the importance of telling the truth but setting boundaries, instead of lying to avoid confrontation and having to test my own strength in setting said boundaries. I had a very mature and healthy conversation yesterday and I'm very proud of myself. You should not regret or second guess being honest, just because someone did not take it well.

I'm also learning to remain cool in the face of things that I used to lose my cool in, this will be hard for me to do but I am to remind myself I'm in control of how I react, or I have to train myself to be, instead of allowing upset and anger to control me, or letting other people control me.

I have learned the chest/breast/rib pain I've had off and on for 3 months, is musculoskeletal pain and it is also a side affect the Bupropion. I've got tips on easing pain and one does include exercise, I did in fact dance my pain away yesterday. I love that some of my problems can be fixed or temporarily fixed with movement.

I am feeling better mentally about a few of my health problems, knowing they are just side affects, I had worries of worse things. 

I have given up my fear of love, I just suddenly woke up after years of being afraid and I am now excited for it, may it find me and may it be amazing.

It's November 15th 2025 and I am over my crush for the second time, this time it lasted 16 days. This really is just a dopamine high and it comes and goes so quickly, I'm exhausted now. This may or may not happen again with him for a third time but I am not posting about it further haha.

My heart rate has been healthier in the last week, so I'm happy. I hope this continues and I will continue to monitor my heart rate daily.

I have found I do not have heart palpitations with alcohol, like I do with caffeine (I did not experience heart palpitations prior to taking the Bupropion) but I consume very little of both. I also have yet to drink alcohol and test my heart rate but with the little bit of caffeine, it is a little high but as expected. It's wild to think my body and medication prefer me to drink alcohol over caffeine.

Earlier in my blog post, I mentioned being scared of hearing from any of my ex's ever again. Well, it was only a matter of time before it happened again. I'm exhausted. He is one of the worst ex's I've had but there are ex's I'd hate to hear from even more, which is shocking. I'm not speaking on it further, just know I am less than thrilled to hear from him. I do not interact, I just block and move on.