A Health Reflection.

I recently had a health scare and it likely has been just anxiety, I opened up to my friends and the public about this health scare and people were asking me to reflect on my health and were wondering what's going on with me. I had a few people be surprised and say they had no idea I was suffering medically both physically and mentally. I wanted to open up with full transparency about SOME of the things I've been dealing with, especially lately. A lot of it has been weighing on my back these last few months or more but many of these things I've dealt with for almost my whole life, I did not go into everything just the things that have been most bothersome or heavy to me lately. So here I will be opening up about some of these things.

A family member is having surgery soon it's been a lot mentally and financially and I'm very anxious for him, to put it lightly.

Worried about losing my job, I've been worried twice before. I'm exhausted. I love my job and have been doing it for a good period of time, I would love to have it as long as I can, so I hope for the best.

My neighbour's had fireworks poppin off over my house this weekend especially last night, so I had two panic attacks, almost threw up and almost peed myself, I'm like a dog, I hate fireworks.

I wanted some of the great affects of my new medication (I take for PMDD) would've stuck with me, like trances and not mourning 3 of my exs anymore, sadly that didn't last long only a few weeks.

I can't have a drink till July 17th, it's been a long almost 2 months and it's been so hard for me. I do have a bit of a drinking problem.

I'm in agony over my past, present and future. I have lost everything before and I'm always scared of losing everything again.

I'm struggling with my physical health and I keep losing weight due to illness, it breaks my heart. I look great but I still mourn what I have no control over.

I'm continually scared any of my exs will bother me, I've had a few try over decades. I just pray I don't hear from any of them again.

My new medication has me struggling with my usual interests, feelings and desires, I have to get used to the medication but I especially don't like my new issues with eating, I already have an eating disorder, though that has improved over the years.

I still feel uncomfortable in my new home, it's not my home just yet you know. I've only been here 7 months, I hope internally I can adjust but mentally it's been great and I'm happy here.

I have a difficult: internal, personal, family, financial, intimate and physical life, I am struggling. I need to see a new shrink but there are none currently for referral, someone that isn't my previous one, he was a bully.

I should return to counselling but my mild to moderate phobia of going out AND mental/physical lack of energy hinders me. I also need a break after the 5 or so years I was just in counselling about two years ago. I've been in therapy or counselling off and on since I was 16. I went to discuss mostly trauma last time but I think I need to unload other things. I find just talking about my problems isn't that helpful as I do it all the time to anybody I can or want to, even publicly I share. I'm limited on medication due to conflicting illnesses I have. I also find my various outlets are just that bit not enough, I want to turn to other outlets. I wish I could take out the sick parts of my brain. As I am often battling passive suicidal ideation AND a phobia of dying.

I have at least 11 illnesses and over 34 phobias, I somehow have the room to store them in my brain and live them, I feel like an overstuffed washing machine.

I struggle with relationships and I feel a degree of disconnect from every single person I know. Even myself. Though I love me, I love me more than anybody, I'm the one that's seen me most through everything and that I will most carry with me till the end.