A Health & Life Reflection.

I recently had a health scare and it likely has been just anxiety, I opened up to my friends and the public about this health scare and people were asking me to reflect on my health and were wondering what's going on with me. I had a few people be surprised and say they had no idea I was suffering medically both physically and mentally. I wanted to open up with full transparency about SOME of the things I've been dealing with, especially lately. A lot of it has been weighing on my back these last few months or more but many of these things I've dealt with for almost my whole life, I did not go into everything just the things that have been most bothersome or heavy to me lately. So here I will be opening up about some of these things.

NOTE: this is no longer just a health and life update post, here I've also started just journaling about me.

My neighbour's had fireworks poppin off over my house this weekend especially last night, so I had two panic attacks, almost threw up and almost peed myself, I'm like a dog, I hate fireworks.

I wanted some of the great affects of my new medication (I take for PMDD) would've stuck with me, like trances and not mourning 3 of my exs anymore, sadly that didn't last long only a few weeks.

I can't have a drink till July 17th, it's been a long almost 2 months and it's been so hard for me. I do have a bit of a drinking problem.

I'm in agony over my past, present and future. I have lost everything before and I'm always scared of losing everything again.

I'm struggling with my physical health and I keep losing weight due to illness, it breaks my heart. I look great but I still mourn what I have no control over.

I'm continually scared any of my exs will bother me, I've had a few try over decades. I just pray I don't hear from any of them again.

My new medication has me struggling with my usual interests, feelings and desires, I have to get used to the medication but I especially don't like my new issues with eating, I already have an eating disorder, though that has improved over the years.

I still feel uncomfortable in my new home, it's not my home just yet you know. I've only been here 7 months, I hope internally I can adjust but mentally it's been great and I'm happy here.

I have a difficult: internal, personal, family, financial, intimate and physical life, I am struggling. I need to see a new shrink but there are none currently for referral, someone that isn't my previous one, he was a bully.

I should return to counselling but my mild to moderate phobia of going out AND mental/physical lack of energy hinders me. I also need a break after the 5 or so years I was just in counselling about two years ago. I've been in therapy or counselling off and on since I was 16. I went to discuss mostly trauma last time but I think I need to unload other things. I find just talking about my problems isn't that helpful as I do it all the time to anybody I can or want to, even publicly I share. I'm limited on medication due to conflicting illnesses I have. I also find my various outlets are just that bit not enough, I want to turn to other outlets. I wish I could take out the sick parts of my brain. As I am often battling passive suicidal ideation AND a phobia of dying.

I struggle with relationships and I feel a degree of disconnect from every single person I know. Even myself. Though I love me, I love me more than anybody, I'm the one that's seen me most through everything and that I will most carry with me till the end.

I have an anger problem, I have for decades now but it was much more severe then than it has been in the last few years, in the last few months I continue to grow and improve but still I don't know how to let go of things or how to not let something ruin my day. Things have been so bad but much smoother than it would've been as old me. These things take work and take screwing up, until I'm not dealing with it anymore and I have improved, I'm looking forward to it.

I have 2 or 3 health related illnesses going on right now, it's been difficult for me and I hope to improve.

I'm mourning a death, it's been a lot for me mentally and extra heavy with the other issues going on at the same time. I've found being outside helps a lot, especially during the lovely summer nights.

Due to a change in medications a year ago, my hot flashes have returned but are so far more mild than the ones I had in my early 20s but they are currently more frequent, annoying and make me feel worse medically, as well as worsening headaches, which have been rough lately due to the summer heat; as it's hotter this year than any years prior.

I am now 32 and illnesses of any kind are starting to manifest differently. In the last month or two I have experienced chest and breast pain when in high emotional states, especially anxiety and it sucks.

I was worried for work but I have since not lost work hours and I am safe from losing my job, I am so very happy!

I'm currently recovering from a brain injury, it's been 6 days and it's mild thank God but it's still not great, on the brightside it forces me to make good lifestyle changes and I'm blessed it's not too bad.

A family member had surgery today, it went fairly well and now my anxiety is over. There's a journey ahead for recovery and I'll be there to help them.

I have been stressed about rent potentially going up, my family receives subsidy on our rent based on income and each year we must submit a review to continue receiving the subsidy. We have submitted our review for the year and they will let us know if we were approved or denied, if we are denied our rent will increase per month $241 dollars per person, It's much safer to receive the subsidy and better for us financially.

I have at least 11 illnesses and over 32 phobias, I somehow have the room to store them in my brain and live them, I feel like an overstuffed washing machine. I did in the last year though crush 2 of my phobias, so that's been great for me.

Recently I had issues with chest/breast pain and thought it could be anxiety but I had it again a few days ago and it was in time for my period to come, which arrived today, so it could be a symptom of my PMDD instead, I guess Ill have to try to follow it in the coming months, see if there's a pattern. I just don't remember if I was near my period the last time this happened. These symptoms can start 1-2 weeks before my period. I'm gunna keep notes and see. 

I'm going to be making changes to my diet. There will be  es or no more potato chips, baked goods, sugary cereals, sugary juices and adding unnecessary sugar. I will also limit: sweets, fast food and breads (other than whole grains). I am a food reviewer and have years of backlog, so my reviews will not yet reflect my diet changes.

In light of my new health issue, I will be walking each day, it will be good alongside the new diet.

Instead of going to my doctor's appointment for my chest pain, I went to the hospital instead as the doctor said by my symptoms go to to the ER and get tests done that he cannot provide, so the appointment was cancelled. 

I was at the hospital for 7 hours and they said my chest pain with shortness of breath is not serious but it is typically, they don't know what's wrong but mentioned my blood pressure and heart rate are high. I was told to monitor my symptoms and later on go to my doctor and get other tests done. I will continue my diet and exercise to help lessen my problems. I also have to cut back on stress.....great haha. 

It's been over a week since I started my diet and exercise, it's helped me medically and mentally, I'm glad I started this. 

I lost another friend, so I mourn that today. 

Due to work changes, I lose the bonus I had been receiving each month so money is a bit tighter. 

I've made diet and exercise part of my day to day after being at the hospital and it's been 3 weeks, it's going quite well, I feel an improvement in many aspects of my life: mental, physical, menstrual and hormonal. It's not always up but it's greater compared to me just weeks ago.

My diet has greatly improved an eating disorder I have, over the last few years I've improved slowly but a lot more progress has been made with this new lifestyle, so I'm happy. 

I over react most of the time with anxiety and strong emotions but things often end up working out and I feel fucking awful about it during and afterwards. I'm tired of torturing myself when I don't have to, I will make it my mission to unlearn this.

I've looked at this last issue with a different mindset, I did it through my religious outlet and it's helped a lot but still I worry about how things will go or fall out if they are meant to fall out. I have learned I'm someone who wants everything to work out and I simply can't control stuff and I'm learning to be okay with that. I have pretty 

I have pretty bad paranoia and two mind altering things have happened in the last not even 2 days and it's made it worse for me. I am internally exhausted.  

The other day I took a break from social media and socializing for a day and it was joyous, I absolutely need more breaks.

I have been struggling for a while to relax physically and mentally outside of my break the other day, I feel a sickening sad unease in my chest and stomach that's off and on, I am restless inside and sleep is simply not enough.

For the last few days I have been relaxing barely/not having emotions and it's so wonderful. I have forced myself to take it easy, even when working, I'm chillin and it's be so great, I've needed this.

The rest lasted 3 days and I enjoyed it while I had it, I'm back to my usual self which kinda sucks but I hope I can relax again soon, I really would like this to be a common occurrence.

I have discovered the trick to pulling myself out of a bad mental state, is to play a game that challenges my mind and tires me out. When I'm done the game for the day, I am too tired mentally to be in a bad way, I'm also physically tired so I can really relax, it's great.

Yesterday was a very rough day, just so much going wrong and bad happening but today I'm doing much better because I finally have an update on the rent review, we have been approved and I can finally breathe. I now don't have anything big stressing me out, I've been waiting for this moment for a while now, I am blessed. Thanks to everyone who put up with me during that rough time (actually my whole life to be honest haha), I was overstressed and in turn stressed out everyone else. I will say though over the last week or so, I had been a lot less worried as I turned to my religious outlet and allowed myself more to let the chips fall, to have faith that things will work out as they should, regardless of whatever happens, as I have overcome everything so far and I will continue to. I hope to get a break before something else rough comes up, life is so full on.

You know something I'm really happy not to have anything heavy on my back right now but I find it hard to celebrate both externally and internally, especially internally. I'm so used to crawling my way through life and for the first time in 24 years I can just breathe, I don't really know how to do that. I also have this fear that things will fall apart if I'm too happy about stuff.  It helps though to always pray, be grateful and count my blessings, I'm just a believer of jinxing things and it sucks. It though boils down to the fact this feeling and state I'm in is very new to me, so very new, the last time I experienced something like this, I was too young to remember how it felt.

I think this period of peace is worth celebrating, it's okay to enjoy it without worry or shame, It's getting easier as I go and I know I'm worth good things happening to, which I admit I've really struggled with but to finally be kneeling after a life of crawling is amazing and I am cherishing it.

I will say I am still sick, still disabled and still going through things but these things I've experienced all my life, this period of my life though feels different, that the other things that were crushing me, I am now free from. I'm so proud of me.

I was asked recently how my heart is doing since I went to the hospital, well it's greatly improved but I have since a few times had my heart do funky stuff, hiccups if you will but otherwise it's better.

I was doing mentally well for a few days but for the last few days I have not. I have been battling my mind and an identity crisis of sorts, alongside my BDD. I've also over-worked myself lately, I am exhausted inside and out but still I am alright compared to previously. I will admit today I had a mental breakdown and I cried in agony for the first time in a while, healing is so messy. 

I've been trying to relax and today I am, after work I have been relaxing and with a delicious meal and the sun shining I'm doing better, so far. I've come to terms with things, accepting things and working through things today. I went into detail on my Bupropion blog post, about what I've been experiencing and again, healing is messy but I learned you cannot heal if you deny stuff. I did also made a post about someone in particular from my past that I have really struggled with over the years, it was a very raw post for me to make and I love I can really express myself, not only to others but personally.

I've had a bad microbiome for decades, it was like a burnt down Chuck E Cheese. I have been working on my microbiome for 2 months now, I know this will take time and not feel great but I'm happy to finally be doing it.

The last 9 days I had a crush on a guy, my first crush in months and I went through a storm of emotions and now I am exhausted internally. I am now over my crush, these never last long with me but I am tired now.

Lately I've been physically exhausted, it may be due to the season changing.

I feel homesick for a place and/or person that does not/has not currently existed, I feel I'm missing something but I cannot tell you what it is or where to even find it.

I have returned to taking iron, I would get sick from it in my youth, so I hadn't touched it in many years, despite having off and on anemia and needing the iron. 16 years later (from the last time I took iron), I am still off and on anemic and still need the iron. I now take it Monday Wednesday and Friday, as taking it every single day made me sick. I've done 4 doses so far and it has already improved my exhaustion that I mentioned recently experiencing.

It's now October 24th 2025 and I have taken the iron for two weeks now, I find the 3 times a week is most healthy for me and my body, compared to every day that I was doing as a child. I discovered how many mg an adult should have a day, vs how many a child should have a day and in my youth I was getting sick as it was too high a dose and not meant for children. I also didn't take them with food as a child and as an adult I learned this is important, I am happy to now be doing this properly. I do not have any symptoms currently from the iron, which is great.

Lately things have been weird yet quiet and most times peaceful, I just feel quite isolated during this period of my healing journey and I am sometimes down about it but I often enjoy the break I'm having. 

I have sat with how I'm feeling and I am truly grateful to have this period of rest, relaxation and peace, I am blessed.

I've found I want to share less with others, I'm too tired and cannot be bothered much these days. I'm still transparent and share things going on but I have just less desire to talk about stuff, I find myself just shrugging stuff off and moving forward or just reaching out to one or two people, instead of just word vomiting across all my socials. I never thought I'd say this because I've always been one to never stop talking and sharing. I will still blog and open up to a degree and on the brightside this will benefit me going forward, being more private of a person.

I started taking Bupropion May 2025 for PMDD and I am proud to announce, I am now free of PMDD.

I may no longer have PMDD but I still experience PMS and such, its tiring haha but much better than the PMDD.

Due to various factors, I have had so far 17 crashouts, as they call it, in 4 days. Some of them are good but some of them are not.

I've come to realize, when I like a guy it's mostly a dopamine high, that's why these days I usually gravitate to men I don't know or men who don't know me, as well as it's safer for me to like them, over men I know and that know me. I will admit I no longer tell men when I like them, that's never went well for me haha. I don't know how I'm going to find love, if it's in my cards, as when I chase the dopamine high, I inevitably come crashing down and not on my own accord and this is why my crushes don't typically last long (among other reasons) and why I cannot tell the man I have a crush on him because maybe tomorrow I won't anymore. I also struggle with many other mental problems, revolving around my ability or inability to love and be loved.

I also know there's many reasons why I cannot do love right now, one of the biggest reasons being lack of energy, physical and mental energy. I'm also working on a project and don't have the spoons or time or capacity right now for such things. I also battle phobias and stuff, thanks to the hellish love life I've had AND I do have paranoia, which makes it all worse. I got a lot of baggage to unpack and work through, to improve myself as a person and as a partner.

I have this suspicion that I'm in the early stages of perimenopause but it's hard to say because all the symptoms are things I've had off and on almost all my fucking life hahahaha, so I guess we will see.

Recently I mentioned having a crush on a guy and it lasted 9 days, well as of yesterday October 30th 2025, it has returned with a vengeance haha, the dopamine he gives me courses through my veins, it makes me feel youthful but also off my rocker haha, it's usually fun though.

I think after that 5 days and 19 crashouts, I am done for this time being. My period is about over too, which is great and will help a lot. I'm not sure whatever the fuck that was haha, early perimenopause? A new mental illness? Haha who knows?

The time change is about to come, that could be part of my issue and the reason I've been struggling to fall asleep lately. I also know time changes make me physically sick, so I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, as I'm already not doing well, feeling a bit sick already, great.

I've spent my life lying to protect myself, my peace or get people off my case, I am now too tired to do that.

Honestly, there's certain things I do and one day I wake up and I'm over it, I don't wanna do it anymore. It's often a good thing, being so over things I'm doing or feeling, especially if shitty or unhealthy, I like I can do that.

It's now October 2nd 2025 and my period is over. I went through the emotional salad spinner. I could lie down for 100 weeks haha. I am unsure about the crashouts and if they are over but I hope I can have at least a day without one haha, who knows.

The clocks went back and I am sick from it but it did not alter my sleep schedule which is strange, as this usually doesn't happen but I'm happy to hear this. My cat also did not have an altered perception of his eating schedule, in previous years him and I would have a bit of a struggle, huh...

The time change has now affected me pretty badly, it messed up my sleep and I'm feeling more sick than prior.

Loopypalooza is over, I did not crashout a single time yesterday. This was in fact period related and I am still lead to believe it's early perimenopause, or PMS or a new mental illness or ??? haha. We will see what happens at my next period, praying this never happens again, as it was very uncomfortable and so very draining.

I'll be honest, I'm doing poorly, mentally and physically. I've been upset about my life and it's caused my heart to be sick and make me feel sick and so sad, I was going to treat myself to something nice but I'm not well enough to go. I need to relax but lately I just don't have the time, I've been so busy lately, which makes it worse. I hate I'm only 32 and my heart gets sick.

I believe my Bupropion has been giving me a high heart rate and blood pressure, I though have been lessening it with diet, exercise and limiting stress; I have started monitoring my heart rate. I do not want to stop the medication unless I must, this medication has changed my life.        

I ran for the first time in a while, I did not feel as bad after the run as I did prior, for years I really struggled to run but today I did well, despite having a bit of heart problems in the last 3 months. Improving my health with diet and exercising allowed me to do this today. I'm proud of me.   

Today is November 12th 2025 and it's been one year since I moved. I feel weird about looking back but also living in the present. I no longer miss where I lived and I love where I am now but I can say I'm not yet settled in, it may take years but I am still really happy here.

I'll be honest, I don't think I like looking back at my past anymore, it's so spooky and weird, makes my tummy unhappy and that's okay, the desire to go back has left me earlier this year and it's been great. Now when I think back on the past I get a bit scared or panicked, it's strange but so real.

I'm really living in the now, for the most part and I can't bring myself to sit and stew in the past or worry too much about my future. I have wishes for my future but no real plans, though I am on a housing waitlist for another city nearby but we will see later on what happens there. I am resting here in this home, in this period of time. Anything can happen and I'm excited yet nervous of course.    

For the last few days my heart has been a bit better and I'm happy about that.

Due to dental trauma, grinding and clenching, a few of my teeth are bruised, yikes. 

I've learned the importance of telling the truth but setting boundaries, instead of lying to avoid confrontation and having to test my own strength in setting said boundaries. I had a very mature and healthy conversation yesterday and I'm very proud of myself. You should not regret or second guess being honest, just because someone did not take it well.

I'm also learning to remain cool in the face of things that I used to lose my cool in, this will be hard for me to do but I am to remind myself I'm in control of how I react, or I have to train myself to be, instead of allowing upset and anger to control me, or letting other people control me.

I have learned the chest/breast/rib pain I've had off and on for 3 months, is musculoskeletal pain and it is also a side affect the Bupropion. I've got tips on easing pain and one does include exercise, I did in fact dance my pain away yesterday. I love that some of my problems can be fixed or temporarily fixed with movement.

I am feeling better mentally about a few of my health problems, knowing they are just side affects, I had worries of worse things. 

I have given up my fear of love, I just suddenly woke up after years of being afraid and I am now excited for it, may it find me and may it be amazing.

It's November 15th 2025 and I am over my crush for the second time, this time it lasted 16 days. This really is just a dopamine high and it comes and goes so quickly, I'm exhausted now. This may or may not happen again with him for a third time but I am not posting about it further haha.

My heart rate has been healthier in the last week, so I'm happy. I hope this continues and I will continue to monitor my heart rate daily.

I have found I do not have heart palpitations with alcohol, like I do with caffeine (I did not experience heart palpitations prior to taking the Bupropion) but I consume very little of both. I also have yet to drink alcohol and test my heart rate but with the little bit of caffeine, it is a little high but as expected. It's wild to think my body and medication prefer me to drink alcohol over caffeine.

Earlier in my blog post, I mentioned being scared of hearing from any of my ex's ever again. Well, it was only a matter of time before it happened again. I'm exhausted. He is one of the worst ex's I've had but there are ex's I'd hate to hear from even more, which is shocking. I'm not speaking on it further, just know I am less than thrilled to hear from him. I do not interact, I just block and move on.

My seasonal depression has lessened mentally than previous years, so far anyway. Physically I am not doing well, I have less energy and it's difficult on the body to get through.

The winter has arrived, I've shoveled two days in a row and it's hurting me, my body and heart. I now have to change my work schedule, in order to share the shoveling responsibilities and it work for both of our schedules. I wish I could afford someone to shovel for me each day, it only takes 20/30 min but it's a lot on my poor body.

Now when I look back at my ex's I no longer think or feel fondly and miss familiar, I instead feel disgusted and it's amazing. Whatever causes some nostalgia to feel sickening, that's what I feel, only that.

The greatest part of my past is that it's over, it's behind me, I never have to be in it again, live it again or do it again. This realization has changed my life.

We are waiting on an electric shovel to arrive, to help us with the shoveling issue and I hope it improves things for me and my health.

I take accountability, it was my fault for ignoring every single bad thing that was shown to me in my past relationships. At the time I just wanted to feel loved (whether I was or not) over being safe. It had been one of my biggest downfalls. 

I have learned the importance of taking blame in some of my past, that it wasn't all them, sometimes I was the villain, even to myself.

I'm in control of how my ex's make me feel. I no longer fear hearing from my ex's, as I simply do not care anymore. I no longer allow them to set me off. I just shrug, not open any messages, block and keep it movin. 

I didn't experience loopypalooza this time, which I am so happy for. I am unsure what that even was but I hope to not experience that again haha.

I'm exhausted with life, just always routine and gotta do everything. I'm also not someone excited about completing tasks most times, even if there is a reward or the feeling of pride that a task is complete, I just simply do things cause I have to. Sometimes I don't feel this way, sometimes a reward drives me to do things, or the relief that comes with finishing something. 

I had a really bad heart day yesterday, after shoveling, I didn't even get half the the driveway done before my heart couldn't go on, I had to sit down. I really can't wait for the electric shovel and pray it makes this easier on me. 

For Christmas I have gotten a walking pad, to use to walk when I am unable to go out, I just have to get the hang of walking on a moving surface.

I have various symptoms of arrythmia and sometimes they are frightening, if my heart doesn't kill me, I will be shocked haha. 

It feels so strange but also amazing to have closed the doors of my past, to no longer feel certain things I had coursing through my veins for decades.

I thought leaving my past and all those feelings behind, would feel like fireworks but its quiet, yet joyus all the same.

I still battle PTSD, depression, feeling suicidal etc. but certain things and feelings I've put down and walked away from. 

I feel weird mentally some days, like internal pain and upset but I handle it better than previously.

After decades of people only telling me they saw sadness in my eyes, someone finally saw happiness. I am indeed the happiest I've been in a long time. To be noticed, is to be loved. I will remember this for the rest of my life.

I've been able to shovel a bit more with the new electric shovel.

I've found when I am experiencing or soon to experience chest pressure and increased heart rate, I burp more.

I've been quite productive lately, busy lately, relaxing more and I feel proud of it all, I feel happier.

I was heartbroken over and over for 20 years, what a fucked up and exhaustive way to feel. I'm glad to be heartbreak free, this shit feels amazing. I had spent over 175 thousand hours of my life with my heart in pieces, so how I'm doing now is so new and fantastic.

There are times where I completely forget my ex's and it's all thanks to the Bupropion.

I got more shoveling done lately and my heart has been a lot less upset, thankfully I got this electric shovel.

I've lately been so excited to do and complete my daily tasks, usually I struggle to do them, as I did not feel good even after completing a task but now I'm feeling accomplished.

I've never been popular but I am now and it's so fun. It's so lovely to meet new people and make new friends.

I will never again be afraid to start over, amazing things happen for me when I do.

My seasonal depression has been kicking my ass a bit, mentally and physically. The winter is now in full swing, it's been rough.

The holidays have always been weird for me, I feel great and awful at the same time, due to trauma, mental and health reasons, what a difficult time and I'm glad they are over.

I have learned the importance of being more strict in who I allow into my personal life and who I spend my time and love on. I want to be around those that value me, love me and want to be around me.

I am so proud with how well I communicate with others, prior I would just get upset about things and run but now I speak honestly and in a better mindset, this is better for us both AND so I don't walk away from conversations with regrets or bad feelings.

I battled an addiction for 17 years and it'll be 3 years in February since I broke free but I wonder how long it'll be before it stops whispering to me....

It's now 2026 and I have been crawling through the beginning of this year, seasonal depression pretty bad, sitting in the darkness that is my mind, overthinking myself into a slump and battling the roughness that is having a crush on somebody, you know, as I do.

I also spent the beginning of the year with a bit of a head cold.

I wanted to note, my heart has been healthier lately, which is great, for my heart and because I could use any good news I can get.

Today is January 22nd and it marks the end of the 10 darkest weeks of the year, it may explain why I have been feeling a bit better mentally, as the last 10 weeks have been quite rough. I know more sun will help me get through my seasonal depression

I've been very exhausted about life, even breaks don't feel right, I wish I could take a vacation or really let myself relax. Sadly with life there's so much to do most of the time and I feel overworked and overwhelmed, so tired and bothered by monotony.

I'm learning to take it easier, do this slower, breathe, just breathe. I've been doing so bad mentally for a while now but this weekend I'm dropping my shoulders. Someone asked why do we rush through everything? Rush to our deaths? So I've stopped. Getting tasks done quick I used to do to have more time to rest but rushing through everything burnt me out, to where I could not enjoy my rest. Where's the fire? There isn't one. I didn't stop to breathe, I was too busy running but for what? Unlearning rushing through life is gunna take work. As when I try to take things slower, my brain panics "go go go go go", for no reason, I have to unlearn this. There's not much I do in my life that requires such urgency, I am not happy Ive lived decades with such urgency.

I experience on occasion a Premature Ventricular Contraction and every single time it happens I think for a moment "op this is how I die" Haha! Which is not true. Silly heart! For me it's not harmful and caused by various things like meds, anxiety, caffeine etc. I've had this for a few years now. I'm glad it has only once happened yet while Im around others, its kinda jarring to witness haha.

I've started a new game called Heartopia and it's been great, as I often just played 3 other games, so having a new one is nice, I can't play many games due to neurological condition I have, so when I do find something I can play I'm happy. A lot of my updates are just not good, so I wanted to share a little one that brings me joy.

Speaking of joy, I recently mentioned having a new crush, meeting him has been great, he's been a great part of the new year and I am happy to have a good friendship of sorts with him, I'm happy with whatever happens or doesn't happen. I just love meeting new people and some really change my life in whatever way and I cherish every single one, they are all important.

Sometimes nostalgia is "I remember these dolls I loved them." and sometimes nostalgia is "this song reminds me of my childhood and when I hear it Im instantly suicidal, even if back then I didnt feel this way about the song, I do now."

I'm overwhelmed by the every day, it feels like it never ends. I try to take it easy, slow down, find joy, rest when I can and take it one day at a time but for a moment I remember I gotta do it tomorrow and the tomorrow after that and the tomorrow after that, for a very long time.....maybe. I once told my therapist I'm worried "what if this is all there is?" yet this was years ago and my life changed after I asked that, in ways I could never imagine, so if I ask myself again now "what if this is all there is?" I know anything can happen. I used to have plans and patterns and predict things but in the last 3 years my whole life has changed and now I don't have plans, predictions or know what's next to come and while that can be kinda scary, it's amazing.

Dec 2024 my medication for my neurological condition was discontinued, I have been without it since then and it's been difficult but today I got the call that they are back in stock and I can take them again in two weeks at my next medication refill, I am so excited.

Due to the horrible winter we have been having, I've had so many barometric pressure related headaches, it sucks so bad.

I have discovered my headaches are actually not barometric, I need new glasses. I discovered this as in the last week I have been squinting, straining and cocking my neck to try and see better. I haven't had an eye exam in about 8 years and I am long overdue for one. I have an appointment coming up for that, I cannot wait for relief BUT I do know I will continue to have headaches with the new glasses, until I get adjusted, so it'll be a while longer.

I had my eye exam, I discovered I have the second worst prescription haha, I didn't know it was that bad! I'm getting new glasses in about two weeks. I wanted a pair like I have now but they no longer sell this one, I got something as close as I could but it's a bit wider vertically. 

Today is February 18th 2026 and I am celebrating 3 years on my healing journey. 3 years breaking free from addiction and breaking free from the 2 decade long hell I was in. I am still recovering of course and some days are a crawl but each day away is freeing, each year completed is worth celebrating. I am over the moon, not only at each milestone but each day that passes. Here's to another year, here's to another day. Amen.

I'm getting back into reading and I have two books coming in the mail hopefully this week, I had struggled with reading for a few years due to Covid I had 3 times and a brain injury I had last summer. I am also doing mahjong and puzzles each day to help feed and strengthen my brain.

I've had my current laptop for maybe 5 years now and it's really struggling lately, fortunately I have just purchased a new one coming in the next week.

I bought a new phone exactly one year ago, a Samsung Galaxy A16 and it's already suffering, it gets stress pressure and thankfully I have a screen protector on it but it can no longer handle going into my front pants pocket, it's so silly but it lead me to finally clean out and organize my purse, making more room for it. I have replaced my screen protector twice since my first one, when I got the phone, yikes.

For a long time I was unable to enjoy some of the music that reminded me of past loves, now I can finally say I enjoy anything I want to, they don't bother me anymore.

5 years ago, I was in my first (and only) situationship and the way things went, ended and him still trying to pursue me, made it feel like a relationship. We didn't "date" or "break up" on good terms and once a year he reaches out to me, I've blocked each account he makes.  To save myself from further embarrassment, I told people he was my ex bf. I no longer feel the need to call him that but what would you even call that? It was all so fucking dumb. He no longer gets the privilege of being called my ex bf. I no longer feel the need to save face. He was one of my childhood friends, I knew him most of his life and I still love him but not from a romantic standpoint but I will always love him.

I no longer get into things with people personally like: my past, traumas, health problems etc. I have talked my head off for decades. I still share publicly as I grow and heal but I no longer repeat the things I have for a long time to people who have heard em or new people.

I am healing but I am not yet healed and that's okay. It is still fresh and on occasion still painful and yes I have a long road to go but I still go. I will stumble when I stumble and crawl when I crawl but I have come so far and for that I am forever proud.

I got my new glasses and adjusting to them sucks really bad, I'm also mad that they were a little too loose so I had them tightened and they are now a little too tight, both of these things suck and are painful. I went out of town to get them and I cannot physically or mentally handle going a 5th time this month, so if I need to go back, it'll have to wait.

People don't like me to be a human, it's weird. People get upset or mad with me when I show an emotion that isn't happy or I'm not smiling. I believe in feeling all my feelings and each one is very important, so I will do and express myself in each way I feel.

Today I learned about dysplastic nevi which are atypical moles, I have 3 and have had them looked at and they are not of concern but I check them. I've been asked by anybody who has seen them, if I'd remove them and I don't have the $350 per mole, also as long as they are not an issue, I will keep them.

In the last 2 or 3 days I have been struggling with my healing journey, mostly from addiction, the whispers of relapse have been in my ear and it's been driving me a little nuts. This happens from time to time but it has been more annoying this time around.

I have red ear syndrome and my ears are SO ANGRY about my new glasses.

I have respect for people that do online dating and long distance relationships but I could not do it again. I've been in online AND offline relationships where I spent my time waiting for them to show up, show love, be what I need etc. I don't want to spend a moment more where I am usually alone. People have so much faith in things working out, it's so wonderful for them but I have to admit I don't. I have never once been right in the faith I put into love, so I don't know how I will find the faith for what will be more than the crumbs and scraps of paper I have only ever gotten before.

I've had my new glasses one week now and I am still adjusting but the worst is seemingly over.

For the last few days I've been really taking it easy, things are going on around me but I'm moving slowly, so it's been quiet inside and out and so lovely.

You cannot go back to them, they will continue doing what you left them for. Each time you go back, they are not facing any consequences, you have to make them face the consequences, STAND FIRM.

I'm disabled and a lot of people like to throw in my face how I can't do the things they can, or how I should be doing the things they can. They shame me for what I can and cannot do and it's aggravating.

I had opened up about struggling in the last two weeks, not to relapse after 3 years free from addiction. I am happy to announce it has been a few days since the last time I felt I wanted to. I have finally been feeling like myself again and hope it continues this way as long as I can.

I've had my new glasses two weeks now and I am doing better, still a bit of adjusting needs to be done but I'm happy.

I try not to feel down being disabled but it's hard cause people talk about what luxuries they have, even things they think are easy to do/obtain but will be things I cannot do or do "well". I don't usually care but people comment on my posts and do that. It's just a bit dampening. I will say I am grateful though and count my blessings often, as I know the things I can do and do have, are luxuries for others too.

Today is March 15th 2026 it marks one year since my 19 year old cat Abby passed away. Time makes not a lick of sense, how things feel like yesterday but also feel like a long time ago.

People tell me when someone dies "just think of the fond memories" I CANT. I cant fucking do that. When I see someone or think of someone who has died, I think of fond memories but it's crushed by memories of how they died, the day they died and when I found out etc. it replays in my fucking head.

For a few days now I've been physically and mentally sick, with 3 waves of passive suicidal ideation so far, I'm exhausted but I will say today's been the best day I've had in a while, a lot was fucked up but: I was overjoyed, the way I laughed soothed my soul, the happy tears I shed I needed and the little things I enjoyed, how lovely.

Today is March 20th 2026 and it's my third good day in a row, I don't think I've ever experienced this before but I am so happy.

If I miss any of my ex's or my ex situationship, I simply think about how cringe as fuck the whole relationship was and it cures it right up.

This year has had quite a few quiet days, it's so lovely, I have never experienced this before and it's kind of a weird feeling but most of it feels amazing.

Healing is coming back to memories and feelings, each time with new eyes and new mindsets, making you stronger each and every time. Thank God.

I hate how difficult it is to maintain my fucking human body, the constant need for health services, daily taking care of myself etc. especially as someone disabled, chronically ill and riddled with phobias and anxiety, I am so angry and aggressively suicidal about it.

Today I learned that having my dental phobia and even anxiety keeps dental freezing from working and I was not offered anything for it except twice (as an adult, I don't recall as a child), this has made dental work torture physically and mentally.

I woke up today and after medical and mental anguish of yesterday, being disabled and chronically ill, I am shocked to have woken up, I am a little happy to be alive sure but also disappointed.

I walked without using my phone this morning, I needed this and while I wasn't medically well to walk, I needed it emotionally and I needed to feel the breeze on my face, though it did not help in some ways, still it was important to do.

Instead of only thinking of the bad, I've started daydreaming of the good,  thinking about the great things to come and love I will have; I may not know what that will look like but I dream.

I will not allow those of my past that did not love me or love me properly, make me afraid of love, make me afraid for my future. I will be blessed, I am not worried.

I haven't in 10 years had so many games on the go, I currently have 6 games in my rotation. I am so thrilled to game this much again, it truly brings me joy. Today I picked House Flipper back up and I am having a good time.

No one talks about how exhausting it is to swing back and forth between dragging yourself through the darkness, to being happy to be alive and skipping.

It's April 7th 2026 and I have not had a crush on anybody in two months, the break has been splendid.

I had been reflecting on every relationship I've been in, how they never felt right, I always felt pressured, scared, backed into a corner and like I was not meant to be there. I never want to feel that way again.

I no longer question if I'm worth the good things I have and will have, no longer question how good of a person I am or question how lovely I am to myself and others. I am great and I have and will have great things :). I also forgive myself for the things I have done, only looking ahead to who I've become and who I will become.

Sometimes I think about how much life I probably have ahead of me and sometimes I hate the idea and other times I feel excited and today I'm excited.

I worry too fucking much for someone who's powdered through and survived every single thing I've been through, sure roughed up and fucked up but I've survived. I need to relax and have faith that things will go as they go but whatever happens I'll be okay.

For health reasons, I have to practice celibacy and thanks to the medical and mental issues I have and the Bupropion I have been taking, this is not as upsetting as it would've been to me prior. I've found with the medication, I've come so far from what used to matter to me and for the most part it's been good.

I've come so far in some ways, that if you told younger me or even me 3 years ago that certain things that were a big part of my life were not and are not actually that important, some not important at all, I wouldn't have believed you. It's wild and a little scary but also freeing and amazing to learn.

I've now found that the things over the course of my life, that were heavy on my back, can be lifted off, set down and left behind. I feel free from the shackles of various things that I swore I'd never know peace from but that I finally did and may I continue through life experiencing this freeing feeling. I continue to grow as a person and learn more about me, the life I have to live or can live, when I just set things down.

I don't or can't do many of the things society tells us to do and not doing them sometimes can feel weird or sad but most of it is wonderful, not to be burdened by those societal "obligations". When you finally learn "hey I don't have to do that" or "it's okay if I can't do that" because most of these things are not actually important if they aren't for you, they only seem important to the eyes of others but those eyes you will learn don't really matter.

When you had been through something for over 20 years and you have in the last few years broken free from it, the day finally comes when you feel it's all over, it is amazing but the overwhelming emotions make you exhausted and down but only down cause the high of freedom is so high.

Today is April 15th 2026 and I've having my fourth good day in a row. I've never experienced that before, I'm very happy.

Do you believe in life after love? I didn't until I did it, there's been much more life after love than I ever could've imagined.

I adore my ability to change, to evolve, to grow, to learn and to improve, resting is important and I do that but I love I don't stay as I was, where I was.

I love that I feel younger in my 30s than I did in my teens and 20s.

I'm constantly revaluating the things I think I know and the things I believed for so long, looking at them from different angles and it shifts everything, into place though, even if painful. 

People can say to me "how can you say mean things about someone you once loved?" I actually never loved a single one of them, it was only trauma based delusion, I was mentally sick, very sick, there was no love there and they didn't love me either, they loved me even less than I loved them.

I was battling myself as my father, while going for men like my father. I'm happy to no longer be him or settle for those like him :). To be my own person, has turned me around so much and has been one of the things that changed what I allowed, took in and thought/knew what was and wasn't love.

When I miss someone of my past these days, it doesn't shake me up inside like it used to, it's just a passing feeling, a weird annoying feeling, it no longer stops me in my tracks.

I no longer hate I mourn someone, it's only a sign of love and I can't hate I love them.

I think back to the way I acted when I didn’t care to live and I'm just grateful that I stayed alive long enough to want to.

To have the amazing I have now I had to let go of a lot and thank God I let it all go.

Giving up certain things can sometimes be some of the most right you've ever felt. 

I was getting mild ice pick headaches, I discovered it was due to my posture and I have since been improving my posture which cured those headaches right up.

I have health problems on health problems on health problems and it makes me so sad and angry, I'm so angry that I'm suicidal, I hate it.

I've come to the realization that I've never had real emotional feelings for a man, not once. My grayromantic heart feels finally seen. All I've ever done is loved out of trauma based delusion, overplaying my part in someones life, ignoring the bad to hang onto what felt like love etc. I may or may not experience real love going forward but I'm happy to be free from what love was not and learn what was not.

I have had problems with my lips for 8 years, mostly for medical reasons and I have tried lots of different products for preventing and repairing broken lips, I was unable to use any of of the products I previously tried, as they make it worse or I'm allergic to an ingredient. Today I decided to try Lypsyl shea butter lip balm, this is free of parabens and phthalates. I put it on the portions of my lips that are fully healed from this weeks lip issue and so far it's going pretty well. When the rest of my lip is healed I can apply it there. I will also say applying lip balm is great for keeping me from bothering my lips, I have a huge issue doing that and with lip balm on I don't want to touch my lips at all. I hope this continues to go well so I can break that bad habit and finally allow me to take care of my lips.

I'm like a sunflower if the sunflower got really depressed without the sun, sometimes even passively suicidal, it's not fun at all.

I hate the weird mental anguish I go through when I have anxiety for important things, especially kinda scary things. I'm tired, I'm tired of it.

An update on the Lypsyl shea butter lip balm: it makes them soft but also flaky and textured, making them sometimes not very nice to look at. It though has stopped my lips from breaking horribly like they did before and I cut back a lot on touching or bothering lips, so it's a win and lose situation but so far it's much better than not using it.

I'm now able to go periods of time not remembering someone I'm healing from and it's an amazing feeling I've never felt before.

You know, I thought for a while that I wasn't doing much over the last 10 years and felt stagnant but I look around at how different my life is now and I realize I've been moving, changing, growing and doing things every single year. Just because I'm not making huge changes or taking big steps, doesn't mean I'm not moving forward and sometimes you can't tell, until you look back on it, until you sit down and really look.

I've been using lyspl shea butter lip balm for a week and there are days now where my lips are the best they have looked and felt in 8 years. I've found the trick is to wash my lips between each use, as my lips get textured and flaky if I apply too many layers. I'm happy.

It's May 2026 and I've been on my diet for 9 months and I'm doing quite well, I'm very happy to have made this change to my life, among the other changes.

There are things about me that do not need to be fixed, I am wonderful as I am, as long as it's not harmful to myself or others, there are many things I have fixed and are fixing but there are also things that simply make me me and are okay to be and do or not do.

I recently have been dealing with back to back fairly mild health issues, I'm tired of needing to recover from stuff.

I haven't missed any of my ex's since April 26th 2026, to be able to say that feels amazing, I'm so proud of me, may I never miss them again.

I do not miss the people and things of my past anymore but it feels so strange for them to be behind me and that I will continue my life and finish my life without them. Where I stand now, is so different from where I stood for decades, it'll take some getting used to.

I've been one year on Bupropion and it's been quite a roller coaster but an amazing one at that, my life and myself have changed in ways I never imagined, in ways I didn't think it ever would, I am still struggling in various ways but not even half as much as I did before it. This has one of the greatest life-changing experiences for me thus far and I'm more than thrilled to be on this journey. I'm looking forward to seeing how things continue and I'm excited to bring you all along on the journey.

I was physically unable to cry for a week and it was scary, upsetting, yet a little cool haha but now that I'm back to crying, I feel so blessed and so grateful, to be able to cry, I will never again take it for granted.

I've learned one great part of my diet, is that I am now less allergic to my own tears.

I've learned I have MGD which is Meibomian Gland Dysfunction, which is an eye condition, mine is mild thankfully and I've been doing in-home treatments. I've been doing treatments for almost 2 weeks now and I want to say I'm improving but I'm not, the opposite actually, I have developed new and worsening symptoms.

I feel so awful mentally and physically, just having back to back to back new health issues.

On the brightsides of cutting back on screen time due to my health, the days are now long and I've needed this for years, I get more things done, I get to sit and enjoy my time and peace, I'm kicking my screen addiction and I have healthier sleep, by cutting my bedtime scrolling down, I went from 20 minutes to maybe 5.

I was kicking my screen addiction but it only lasted 6 days, I am back to using it more than I should but still a bit limited for my health and I did have to return to my old bedtime scrolling, as my sleep schedule was suffering but most days lately due to needing to pee and the warm weather, I've been getting up early anyway.

It's been a month since I started the Lypsl shea butter lip balm and it's going well, most days my lips are great. I have purchased a few more and will continue to use them, we will have to see when the winter comes, how it holds up against my lips worst season.

I've had my eye condition for almost a month now and I'm already tired of doing treatments , I'm also easing back into screen usage, my laptop has been the most difficult. I mentioned prior that my symptoms were worsening, well they did for a while but now I have improved and maintain that most days.

Despite every6t6hing, I am blessed, I am grateful and while sure, I'm sick and disabled, I am doing pretty good.

With growth and healing I have come to terms with the fact that those who were abusive to me, are still human, they are not actually spawns of the devil. I will not ever reconnect with them or allow them back into my life but they are human, just like me. I just hope they improve for themselves and those around them, I will not be there to see it or care enough to look but I just hope so.

When you are on the pursuit to peace, you have to stop things, cut off things, change things, do things differently and it will be difficult and rough and tough and sometimes ugly but you have to do these things, to reach it.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't sick, mentally fucked up and disabled and sometimes I grieve the things I cannot do or cannot do anymore BUT most of the time I love the peace and quiet that comes with not doing things and simply just being, I love me.

I love reaching breaking points that open my eyes and close old doors, to open new ones. I love setting boundaries and improving myself for me and others, molding myself into a better me, a healthier me, the real me.

I haven't in 10 years had so many games on the go, I currently have 7 games in my rotation. I am so thrilled to game this much again, it truly brings me joy. Today I bought Paralives, I played a bit today and I'm looking forward to playing more.

Let the bridge fall down, do not scream at it or try to patch it up with tape.

With growth you have to leave your old shoes behind, you cannot wear the old shoes under the new shoes.

I am getting really good at accepting truths for what they are, being less upset about facing such truths and they are less painful than ever before.

Coming to terms with people entering and exiting is important, learning that these things are to happen and a part of life.

Thank God for the ability to cry, there was a small period of time where I couldn't cry and since then, I have done so much crying and I am so blessed to be able to do that. I am so happy I can do that, even if the tears are in pain, I am so grateful for each tear I shed.

When making small talk people would ask if I'm single and open to love and I'd just say yes but I'm not and I finally admit I'm not.

I feel so deeply exhausted, life is a constant anxiety or fear of things coming up that I don't wanna go through or deal with, sometimes I don't think about it but most times I do and it's rough. Life is a constant "ah fuck, that's coming up" and being washed over with dread. People say "put it on the back burner, worry about it when the time comes" TELL MY BRAIN TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT DAILY FOR NO FUCKING REASON. I've lived my life in constant torment over fucking something or many somethings at once, I'm so tired. You can't ever tell me not to worry about something, I will worry myself sick, sure not as sick as before but still very sick. Not only will I worry myself sick but sometimes worry myself into passive suicidal ideation. I have forgotten about doing body scans, they work so well at helping me with anxiety, I need to try and remember to do them more

Someone said it's important not to be desperate for anything and I lived decades of doing that, now I'm not desperate for a damn thing and it's wonderful..

Something I was working so many years towards, did not work out, it just fell through and I am absolutely crushed, I could start again from the beginning but I feel so defeated and I am medically sick and doing it all again, takes out of me what I don't have BUT it is my dream. Though I should do this again, as its something that not only impacts me but those around me. I just feel exhausted and so sick, I don't know if I can do it again right now. It's a huge let down for myself but also for those around me. I also have to decide if I'm gunna tell anyone. I do not have to redo it right now, I don't have it in me to right now anyway but I guess I could later on, if and when able. I just never know if I should try again at something (especially when sick), or let it rest, let ME rest.

My faith has to be stronger than my worries, my fears, my hopes and my uncertainty for the future.

Despite my many feelings of my past, present and future, I am excited to see what happens, see how things turn out and how much greater things will be than they were before and currently have been.

It's crazy that I can have a roller coaster of a day and still feel it's been a good day, each time I break down, I rise up stronger and I feel good about it.

It's weird not to have goals, dreams or any idea of what the future will look like but it's also cool to just wait and see.

So much of the world is what other people think about you and what you're doing and not doing, it's so much about people's opinions BUT I no longer care about any of that stuff, I don't even keep myself from being me, to appease others, not even people close to me, I live for me. I also realized trying to do what others are doing, comparing yourself to others etc. is meaningless, it all really doesn't matter. Go out there and do whatever or don't do whatever, it's all okay, as long as you're at peace and feel joy.

I walk every day, eat balanced, take multiple screen breaks each day, take medication and only game 20 min at a time, these are the great ways I take care of my health.

It's that time of year again where I'm under mentally fucked distress about rent review, this year they are only giving us 3 weeks to submit everything, they usually give us up to 8 weeks I hate it.

I will say I'm handling things a lot better than previously, both in anxiety and in faith that things will work out, I just wish I could crush how I'm feeling, as sometimes I'm so anxious and scared about things, that it makes me feel angry and have moderate passive suicidal ideation.

A lot of how I'm feeling is just exhausted and scared for how important things around me are, the things I need to in AND out of my day to day, I am so exhausted, so tired of doing everything, it makes me often feel horrible. I'm tired of doing things every day, I just want a break so bad and the fact that I can't, which also adds to my passive suicidal ideation. I would really like a trip away, I'm hoping to.

I hate that I spend almost the whole year stressed about something: the winter, tax season, rent review etc. on top of my usual health problems and suffering through my day to day routine. I'm suffering so bad almost all the fucking time and I want to pop my head off.

I have to teach myself to do body scans to help with anxiety, I do them on occasion but I want to every single time, it will help me get through things, which I do need a lot of help with.

A lot of people say money cannot buy happiness but to a degree it can, I'd be a lot less fucked up physically and mentally. If I could afford to live even a bit better, if I could have financial security, housing security, I'd be able to move right now and afford more medications/treatments etc. I'd be living a very different life if I could, sure it wouldn't cure all my problems but it would cure most of them and help ease other ones. I don't even need wealth, just a bit more would really help and it sucks being not only in poverty but sick and disabled, currently keeping me where I'm at, I hope in life I can have what I desire.

Along with building faith, I'm learning to let things go that are beyond my control and letting things fall if people are not doing their part. I do too much carrying things with people who don't care enough, I need to release how much I care too, I should not worry more than others, I've done enough. I have to learn to stop trying to be in control, whatever happens happens, if things fall down (that also affect me), it wont be my fault, sure I will suffer alongside them but the blame will not be on me. I can only guide people but I cannot push them, sure grave things are at stake but oh well… I have done too much to carry others, people who do not care about anything OR don't care even half as me, I am no longer carrying them or carrying things. I will help where I can help and I will do my part but not more than that, not anymore.

Today I learned I'm hypoglycemic, I've had this a very long time but I am not diabetic, which I just learned you don't have to be. I've experienced the symptoms of hypoglycemia and suspected diabetes but I do not have that.

The rent review has been submitted and I rewarded myself with ice cream, we now wait for results.

You know, I've learned not to down play how hard-working I am, my hard-working looks different from the next person but it doesn't take away the fact that I am, I am hard-working and I'm proud of me.

Today is July 9th 2026, it's my birthday on the 14th and I had a picnic today, it was lovely and I wore a green dress, I've only once before worn a green dress, the picnic went well and I had a nice time.

I have plans soon to do more by myself, I already love my company and do most things by myself but I want to get out and do more, enjoy more of life and not wait around for others.

Today is July 13th 2026, I had a solo date for my birthday, it was lovely, my last one was 3 years ago and I was due for one. I went to my fav breakfast place then did a little birthday shopping.

Yesterday was July 14th 2026 and it was my 33rd birthday, went pretty good. 

I have to see a new dentist to get a dental cleaning, my enamel is thin on some of my teeth and they have been causing me pain. I have a deep dental phobia and the amount of passive suicidal ideation I feel is awful. I got an appointment for Monday, since they are fully booked until then. I called and asked about my cleaning and what they could offer me and she said we will provide you numbing cream. I was never once provided numbing cream before, damn I didn't know. I'm also very stressed about cleanings because they cause bumps on my lips, I've also had them before from flossing. I am also dreading this appointment as dental xrays are painful for me, probably the most painful part and I end up crying. I remembered, my dental pain isn't just from thinning enamel but because I clench and grind my teeth and I cannot afford a mouthguard. I have to get a custom one, due to them not staying in while I sleep, as I'm not only a mouth breather but because I have a tooth in a spot that store-brought cannot support.

My dental phobia is due to physical dental trauma, my physical dental trauma, is due to my phobia, my dental trauma is also due to bad dentists and poor health practices and those are due to mental and physical health issues....ITS ALL A WEB OF EVIL.

I sit in the agonies of life and feel such aggressive passive suicidal ideation, while also trying to zone out and forget about it for a while. When I'm in this headspace it is very difficult to distract myself or shake it. I normally have a small drink and that helps but sometimes I have no energy to move and do that, which in some ways is great but not in other ways. I'm glad I at least cried and been angry, expressing my emotions is important for me to do and I'm glad I can do that.

I have suddenly remembered body scans, they are helping with anxiety.

I sometimes wanna grow old and see how I'll look, where I'll be and what the world around me will look like but most of me does not want to suffer that long and I often hate that I likely will. I feel like a very sick dog that the family is just hanging onto and I cannot take my own life, so I am overwhelmed with such anger and anguish. 

I only take medication for Bipolar and PMDD, I do not take medication for my ADHD and anxiety, many of these conditions conflict with one another and so do their medications. I have to sit down with my doctor and figure stuff out, as I love the medications I am on but I really need to tackle my two biggest issues right now. When I'm unmedicated, they are all my biggest issues, all of them.

I think it would be very evil not only to me but to a child, for me to have a child, I must save myself and my non existent children. I have a long list of health problems that would get much worse with having a child BUT ALSO many of them could be passed onto my children. If I wouldn't wanna give my issues to my enemy, I wouldn't wanna give them to a child. I suffer every single day, I would not want to force another living being to suffer every day too. Not being able to lie down and make a baby, is a very very selfless thing about me. Me not even partaking in lying down is the best for myself, I do not need an ectopic pregnancy. And I am rarely unhappy or feel FOMO, as when life is at stake, some things don't look that appealing to me.

My country is burning, it's heavy on the nose, throat, eyes and lungs, I am tired and I am sad.

I'm learning when not to be kind, when someone shouldn't receive my kindness. I may hiccup but I learn and keep going. I do not owe anyone kindness, especially those who are not kind to me.

I'm really happy that I finished healing from my past relationships, I never thought I'd reach this stage but here we are and it's glorious. Update: I jinxed it, nevermind.

I love all of me, even the parts that piss me off, that hurt me, that drive me into dark places and that stress me out, they need the love, they do not need hatred, so I don't give myself that.

I survived my dental appointment, it went bad but not really bad which I was used to prior and my teeth aren't as bad as I thought they'd be, I have to go back for a check up in two weeks and find out if one of my root canals need to be fixed, other than that no other work needs to be done right now. I'm surprised. I like my new dentist's office, they were friendly, more gentle when working and I got to watch youtube and I got the smaller xray piece, for the first time. Surprisingly I didn't walk away with swollen lips, like I used to at my last dentist, I'm not allergic to latex but my last dentist was more rough, causing the swelling after she would beat up my lips but this time that didn't happen.

I cherish every time I can start over or try again and strive to do better.

I've come to realize and accept that most of the things I've experienced were my own doing, I broke my own heart countless times, it was not because of them. I got into the ring with tigers and tried to blame them for my losses, when I had no business in the ring with them. I've never been heartbroken by somebody else, only myself, even if it was THROUGH someone else, it was me.

When you think you're done healing from things but surprise, you're not.

Today is July 23rd 2026 and I'm feeling a bit more like myself, I had been lost for the last 9 days, today I finally felt the sun.

Healing looks very different when you're not healing anymore from the "love" and you don't miss them anymore, when the healing is just from the anger and pain.

It's okay and human to have good memories, fond memories, of people who were hurtful and harmful and cruel to you, you don't have to punish yourself for recalling good memories.

Sometimes you remember that it wasn't all agony, sure mostly agony and ended in agony but it wasn't all agony.

I love attention but not out of male-centered desperation, I am not desperate for anything and prefer attention from women. I love attention as I lack socializing in real life, it boosts ego and because I often enjoy being popular. I don't want people to ever get it wrong, I am not ever desperate for men to notice me (it's been a few years since I did) and most of the time I hate of the ways men notice me and give me attention, most of them do not survive with me socially. If they speak to me disrespectfully or gloat about giving me attention, I cut them off, I do not NEED a single person to provide me things, especially not in those ways.

Today I found myself hoping for closure for my first HS relationship, that was dogshit but as I grow and heal, I learn a conversation cannot be had and that I was not loved or cared for, should be closure enough, I hadn't thought about this in quite a while but of course healing isn't linear. I do not miss him anymore and I only love him deep down, not anywhere I can feel or reach. I wanted to have an honest conversation I felt that we never had and at that time couldn't have, even years later into our friendship AND the day I left, we didn't have it and couldn't have it.

Sometimes people don't want to let go because the pain is the last connection to the person who hurt them and I'm one of those people.

I've only broken my own heart, never by someone else but I'm sure I will do it again and again because that's life and I will get through all of it but I will be smarter and stronger every single time, like I have thus far.

Today is July 28th 2026 and it's my first good day in two weeks and I finally feel myself again, not 100% but better.

I've been so busy lately and while it's a lot on the body, I have been sleeping quite deeply lately and that's been great.