My First Highschool Boyfriend J.

I met him through a mutual friend, he asked me out, so we dated. We barely had a relationship, we were better as friends, which is a theme for every single one of my ex's. While we dated, all he ever was was wrapped up in his ex girlfriend and the harm she caused him, still he loved her and it was most of what he talked about. Him and I barely hung out, we barely spoke, he never expressed feelings for me and when we were together all we ever did was sexual, specifically I gave him blowjobs, that was extent of our physical intimacy. We didn't even kiss and I may or may not have even hugged him. Each time I opened up to him about the love I felt for him, he did not respond, not to the L word or any messages that were emotionally driven yet I was delusionally in love with him but he kept me only ever at arms length. 

The only thing that kept us together romantic and friendship wise that long, was me overplaying my part in his life, which I have done for most of my life with people but have recently learned how bad that is and have since stopped. I saw him as one of my best friends, as he was there during some of the hardest parts of my childhood, so that made me fall further in, while he was still in the shadows. We only dated for 6 months, we broke up because he said he worried it was burdensome for me having to bus to his house to hang out and felt we lived too far from one another, we did not. After we broke up I admit I went crazy but not in a dangerous way, we continued to be friends and I admit I stalked him and drove us both up the wall, he did not confront me about it because him and I never once had an actual conversation or confrontation about anything serious, even him using me as a rebound for his ex girlfriend, I swallowed that and kept going.

Into our post breakup friendship, there was an event that occurred that was mentally and physically traumatic for me at his hands, one that risked my life and it lead me to physical disability, that I still experience to this day. Despite that event, I still loved him platonically and romantically, as he was my best friend and I was still the crazy ex girlfriend. I of course swallowed everything I felt and experienced. We then had a falling out and didn't speak for years, when we reconnected we continued to be friends but did not hang out, he of course though entertained the idea but just to get blowjobs because lets face it, he didn't really like me at any point, in any way, or so I thought.

A few years after we reconnected, he messaged me one day and told me I was one of the only people he ever trusted and I will never know why or how because he treated me like absolute shit from start to finish, what did I do to earn this trust? He never opened up to me about anything, unless it was his ex girlfriend and we barely saw each other and when we did it was for his sexual needs. I felt great about him trusting me at the time, I didn't question anything then and I accepted this from him, despite me being torn into pieces for years, as he lost himself in her, telling me every single time and it was so painful and I foolishly stayed for years.

A few days following this, I was talking to a friend about my whole relationship with him and she was quick to say "just leave, don't let him hurt you anymore, say nothing, just go." So I did, I ghosted him and it felt terrible to do, overall but especially after him opening up to me for the first time about what I meant to him. The timing was god awful and I hate I didn't even tell him why I was leaving or say goodbye, I let her push me into making this deeply regretful choice. I was afraid of confrontation and so was he, I also struggled to communicate and he didn't know the meaning of it, as we never mutually discussed a thing.

Years after I ghosted him, I reached out and messaged him, apologizing for ghosting him and I again regretfully tiptoed around why I did it, I didn't confront him or blame him for anything and I simply said "our relationship was bad and very painful for me" I felt I should've laid it all out, or would I have been wasting my breath because he barely cared about anything I ever said. Shortly after I sent the message, I blocked him out of panic, part of me didn't want him to respond, so I didn't give him the chance but I had to get some of this off my back.

I no longer regret anything because I needed to do everything I've done in life to get me where I am right now and it was worth doing but I won't for a moment say I don't ever feel agony about the whole thing. I was wrong for ghosting but this boy fucked me up as a person, mentally and physically and I am always told I didn't need to give him any grace but I wouldn't be me if I didn't wish I had. I look back at this and I am confused on how he felt he could trust me because he kept me so distant, he made me feel so ignored, unloved and invisible, what was there to trust? What was he feeling and thinking that I couldn't possibly guess or know because he couldn't open up to me, otherwise.

I have to go through life with so much unaswered that I wish could be but it conflicts with the feeling that I don't want to know now and that a lot of it is fear of the painful truth. I admit I no longer miss him romantically and I haven't for a while but I miss him on occasion as my best friend, yet there's not much to miss, is there? I can say I think about him a lot less than ever before but once in a while I'm fucked up. Like today. Yes I'm aware, I need to unpack this in therapy.