Loved You Once, Love You Still, Always Have, Always Will. -2010

Every time i take a breath,i seem to think of you,i will never forget the way things used to be.
I could never say i hate you,i could never say i dont love you anymore.
Even if we are no longer one,you'll always be a part of me,and i still love u more and more.
A major tug on the heart strings,put me in a painful state but never will i forget you.
I just feel so warm inside when i think of you,i have all these years and i will all the years to come.
You're my lover and my friend,you're just so amazing,my other half.
Even if we both move on,parts of us will always remain,and i know one thing for sure...
i will always love you.

2010- I Love You

Little by little
im taking in all the bullshit i can
to be where i really wanna be
because people say if there is something u are dying for in life
u do everything u can
to get there
doing things u love
doing things u hate
doing things tht rip u apart
just to realize tht once u get to where u wanna be
tht u will be fixed
again.

But no worries man
ill be iight
weather i show up on ur doorstep half dead
ill be there
with the biggest smile u have ever seen
with the most invigorating look in my eyes
like i have known where i belong
this whole time.

I can guarantee that i will be with u and i will not let no one take my life from me until i do so
and that my friend isnt jsut a promise
its a vow
so you never need to worry
about never seeing me
cause u will
i vow
that to u
weather that means leaving everyone else behind.

2010- Have You Ever?

Have you ever wondered which hurts more: saying something and wishing you hadn't or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest to say. Don't be afraid tho tell someone you love them. If you do they might break your heart... but if you don't,you might break yours.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that person was to afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are to afraid to care too much... for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid...afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But everytime we tell a lie... the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had. No one waits forever...
What would you do...
'What would you do if everytime you wanted someone they would never be there?
'What would you do if you best friend died tomorrow and you never got the chance to tell them how you felt?
'What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
'What would you do if everytime you fell in love you had to say good-bye?

When you love someone say it. Say it loud. Say it right away, or the moment just passes you by and you may never get the chance again.

People live, but people die.

2010 -Alone

Feeling so sick and so goddamn alone,never will i have a break,never will i go home,im gunna be stuck in this place.
Home is where the heart is,but my heart isnt even whole,the home is broken anyway,all depressed and cold.
Without you by my side is another painful thing,out of all the many painful things that ive been in.
If i was asked where id want to live,where id want to stay,id tell them that id want to live in the coffin where you lay.
So i stand alone in the rain,and noone can stop me as i cry,cause no one can be in my shoes enough to even give it a try.
Im just so down and just so hurt that you wont be coming back,but i learned one thing along the way,something thats a truthful fact…

You cant trust the living,but you can trust dead,cause the dead cant betray you.

I Wrote This In 2010

Since i wrote this so long ago idk what its about tbh haha.

These gummy bears seemed firmer then usual,making them harder to eat.For some odd reason there was hope that these little bears would help change everything.Never sure how they could do such a thing,but there were so much thought on it,but being unsure made them almost worthless,so life just goes on.Even the sudden moment that the mind was occupied with thought,it never excused the fact that life was based on a secret.If life could be paused with a few gummy bears for a single moment,would a few more pause for a little longer?One would think so,though there aren't any left.It leaves the mind so open and as overwhelmed as before.Couldn't hide from the secret that has become more then something small,for its now as large as life itself.Has taken over one's mind and made everything else evolve around it.This makes the world much more difficult,harder to bare.Even if one secret could feel so good,it could also feel so wrong.Though doesn't discourage the mind to thrive off it,doesn't discourage the mind to wish there was nothing standing in the way of making it okay.Everyone knows that you can't have everything you want,though most know you can't have something if its too big to hold in your mind without going utterly insane.It kills inside to hide it from the world,it kills inside to wonder when you can start to breathe easy.Playing out the scenario in your mind,eases the heart and makes everything feel so much better.If you close your eyes,and are afraid to open them,just pray for more gummy bears when you awake.

PLEASE

If You Could Go Back In Time, Would You?

"If you could go back in time where would you go and why?"

Normally I would say: "I wouldn't." I honestly wouldn't want to go back cause any alteration of any kind could fuck up everything. Though, if I could go back not being able to change anything just to relive stuff......

I'd go back to being 10 years old. The greatest time in the world. I had so much fun and hardly a care in the world. I didn't worry about boys, they had cooties. I didn't worry about school, it wasn't all that hard. I didn't worry about rent and bills and work. I didn't worry about heartbreak and I didn't worry about snake friends. I didn't worry about growing up or what was to come. 

I didn't worry about much at all.

My best friend lived right across from me. We went to school together. She was my whole world...she still is. Her and I have so many crazy stories to tell and things to reminiscence on. She's like my sister.

Being 10 years old, it was the last time I felt really happy. It was the last time I felt good about life and I didn't stress too much about stuff that wasn't an issue. It was so much easier back then, not just because I was 10 but because it was the early 2000s and that was the last time it wasn't completely fucked up to be a kid.

I struggled so hard from then on, I had to grow up really fast and I had so much on my plate, that I shouldn't have had at 12 years old. I wasn't a kid anymore and I just wanted to go back. I've wanted to go back for the last 11 years. 

Things just got worse and worse and worse from there. I no longer lived near my best friend. I had all the cares in the world and everything to worry about. I no longer could play tag or jump rope like a normal kid. I could no longer play marbles and pogs. School was no longer easy, it became one of the hardest things. 

Things took an even greater turn for the worst, in 2008. I lost my grandma and to me, she was like my mom. To this day I haven't had a god night sleep. I haven't been able to be comfortable at night. I'm not able to be comfortable in my own skin, I'm not able to channel my pain or handle my stress.

It was one of those times, where you think it couldn't get any worse but it does.

They always said high school and those years of your life, are the best....not for me cause they were the worst.

Things did in fact get a lot worse from there, I was down in the deepest depths of the darkness. I was so alone. Things got so bad and I hardly had people to turn to, even my family wasn't there for me.....

Except my best friend.

I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without her. I owe her my life.

I just haven't been at ease, at peace and feel alright. I have a hard time enjoying stuff, even stuff I once loved. I have a hard time being compassionate about stuff, about anything. I have a hard time feeling good sober.

Things have gotten better but I still can't sleep at night and frankly being an adult is a fucking trap. 

I always get asked "why haven't you gone to college?" I don't know what I want to do. "Will you be going to college?" No I doubt it. "What are you passionate about?" Nothing. "What are your hobbies?" I don't have any. "How do you handle stress?" I don't.